"Aren't you a little short?"

Episode 4, "One on One" aired 11/1/90.

Apparently one person reads this. So Robyn, this one's for you. I was gonna update this sooner but the thing is, I actually have to get up from my bed to switch from cable to DVD and what am I, some kind of hero? Also, this episode sucks balls (appropriately enough).

Basketball porn. Slo-mo shots of balls going into hoops and Jim Walsh doing his best "aww, yeah" nod as his son shoots and scores [If you need an explanation of why Jim sucks, just watch this scene, it sums up everything - Will]. He has some rather pungent looking pit stains but I won't complain since he is at least wearing sleeves. It's so cute, Jim thinks his midget son is going to make the varsity team!

Meanwhile, over in the B plot, Brenda is whining that she needs her own car because Brandon is always running late. But first she needs a license. Ah yes, the comedy goldmine that is drivers' ed!

At school, Brenda spots Kelly and Donna passing and sprints over in a panic, primping her bangs, in order to have a seemingly casual encounter that goes like this:

Kelly: So... Brenda.
Brenda: So... late.
Kelly: So... you?
Brenda: So... cute!
Kelly: So... thanks.
Brenda: So... byee!
Kelly: Byee!

Andrea and Brandon overhear and make the expected derogatory remarks. Brandon informs Andrea that he's not covering the basketball tryouts because he is, in fact, trying out. Andrea: "Aren't you a little short?" Ha!

Steve and Brandon wait on the bench while a bunch of tall people play. Steve thinks he's a lock for varsity. He also thinks Brandon's a little short. Preach it!

Brenda fantasizes about being a race car driver. In reality, she's registering for her fourth attempt at driver's training. She's also wearing this flow western style skirt that I sadly owned back in junior high. I believe I wore it to my hometown's bean hole supper and square dance, held annually at the firehouse parking lot. How's that for folksy, Cindy? Can you top that with your Minnesota and your gardening and your homemade whatsis? The gauntlet has been thrown.

Back at basketball tryouts, Steve kind of sucks. I always thought he made more sense as a jock than Brandon but Brandon has to be the best at everything, even if his 5-foot ass looks ridiculous running around the gym with a bunch of normal sized people. There's really something about Jason Priestley's body, it's just off. He's like Saffy: how does he do that to clothes? A simple t-shirt hangs on him in such a weird way, even on the off chance that he doesn't have the sleeves rolled up. Plus, the height of his sneakers makes his legs look especially short and skinny. The coach compliments his hustle and he gets all cocky. Whatevs, you and your high-tops still look goofy.

Brenda drives around in a parking lot.

Coach Reilly posts the first cut. Brandon makes it, Steve doesn't. Steve pissily tells Brandon that's all well and good, but he definitely won't be making the next round. Brandon goes into Blaze mode and demands to know just what in the Hell Steve is talking about. Steve explains the Applied Learning Opportunity Program, the minority academic enrichment program that basically recruits a bunch of tall black dudes for the team. It makes Steve sick that they're getting a free ride, while he works his ass off to have his parents be rich and live in the school district. Brandon turns around and glances suspiciously at the gathering darkness in the doorway.

We got to and exterior shot of the early Peach Pit where Brandon picks up his check and runs into James, one of the aforementioned black dudes trying out for the team. Brandon wishes him good luck and James tries real hard not to laugh in his wee little face. Luckily, all of James' off camera friends don't try at all.

The Walsh dinner table. Jim wears a gangsta wool cardigan and tells a discouraged Brandon that winning is a state of mind, "If you have the tools, and the guts, and the desire, you can meet any challenge and accomplish any goal." Well, yes, Brandon is a tool. But a very short and scrawny tool. I'm not saying you have to be 6'6'' to play basketball but be real with yourself for once Jim, he came from your gene pool. Kelly, who has joined us for the evening, looks bemused while Brenda can take no more of her father's cliches and snits off to her room, just in time to avoid clearing the table.

Upstairs, Kelly tries to convince Brenda to go on a double date with some guy named Kenny, who apparently describes his male friends with words like "delectable". According to Kelly, Kenny is weird and obnoxious but her smirk indicates that he knows how to please the ladies, depsite his descriptive appraisals of same-gendered companions [This smirk is great because it's like, "well he had a big dick and I loved it." It infuriates me later that she's like, "I was unfairly labeled a slut!" - Will] Brenda resists even after Kelly informs her that she's turning down Janet Jackson and a limo. Front row seats! To "Nasty"! You lie to your parents for Dylan but not for this? For shame, Brenda. Kelly rolls her eyes and goes to the bathroom to spy on Brandon. He's doing a little NBA roll playing with his hamper and some dirty socks. Also you can FULLY see his ass crack and his penis outlined in these droopy cutoff sweats he's wearing. Dear Lord, the horrible things I have seen on this show. And it's only the fifth episode! Kelly thinks it's cute. Kelly, do yourself a favor and go fuck this Kenny person immediately before you find yourself allowing Brandon to hump your leg and whisper sweet coaching platitudes in your ear.

At school, we are treated to a highly unnecessary scene of David attempting to tell people that he was out with the flu in case, by some miracle, he was missed. He was not. Steve runs into Brandon and tells him about last night's Lakers/Celtics game. He rather obviously implies that he rooted for the Celtics because Larry Bird is white but Brandon refuses to catch on because he, like Stephen Colbert, is truly colorblind, even when he looks in the mirror.

We return once again to the random tech/robot lab being conducted without any apparent supervision... oh wait! A teacher! Praising Brandon! It's good of her to show up to do something important like that. James, the alleged basketball draftee, also shows up to get and extension on his assignment. Brandon says he didn't even know James was taking tech. James explains that he's new and therefore not quite on schedule with his classes. Brandon thinks real hard: the wheels of his own personal justice begin their slow and steady turn...

...So he immediately goes and snitches to Andrea, who is less than receptive and rightfully questions Steve Sanders' credibility as a source. Brandon claims that all the applied learning program does is cater to a bunch of jocks who probably can't spell their own names. Yet again, he only cares because these jocks are taking his varsity spot. And for once, Andrea pretty much has his number. Brandon asks her to write the story since it's a conflict of interest for him. Andrea: "Only if you make the team, which rumor has it is less than a sure thing." What the fuck, Andrea? You're making me love you. Brandon says, in that case, everyone will think it's sour grapes. Andrea: "Is it?" Shit, she's owning you, son! She reminds him she also lives out of district and has good reason not to draw attention to the issue. Brandon claims it's not about geography. True enough, she replies, it's about race. Actually, it's about Brandon being short, as you already pointed out. He accuses her of being too lazy to do the legwork on a "killer story". And just like that, she caves. Oh Andrea, what of our love? Gone, alas, like your youth, too soon.

More driver's ed. Brenda crashes into Henry Winkler.

At round two of tryouts, no one will pass the ball to Brandon. Then his dad shows up in full accountant attire and I actually... kind of... feel bad for the kid? Is that okay? Even more so when Jim's arrival distracts him from playing defense and he gets scored on, prompting coach Reilly to yell "get in the game, Walsh!" Jim offers pointless gestures from the sidelines so as to lay claim to some portion of his son's achievement. Just leave for Chrissakes! He is the only spectator there. Could he possibly think this will help his son's confidence? Brandon makes a shot and Jim dorks out with some fist pump action, right as Brandon gets knocked on his ass. Look here, scene, I should be allowed to enjoy the physical humiliation of Brandon without Jim smugging it up in the background, making me all sympathetic and shit.

After practice, Jim's waiting outside to inform his son that he made the cut! Coach Reilly is impressed with his hustle! Go team Walsh! Andrea beckons Brandon over and I hate her again. She's so very excited to tell Brandon that this James kid isn't even enrolled in the applied learning program, so this must mean that he totally doesn't even go to school at all. Andrea offers to talk to James, but Brandon thinks he should do it. Because he has such a delicate touch.

Hoo boy, here we go. Brandon marches up and James sincerely apologizes for the foul at practice, saying his boys were just looking out for the new kid. But Brando is already in attack mode: "Lot of people looking out for you, aren't there James?" He continues the recruitment accusation with this God awful sneer on his righteous mug. Can he not just ask a polite question in a normal tone of voice? So far, it seems as though he's modeled his journalism tactics on Fox's shame reports. Flies and honey, my son. Think on it. Anyway he's all, you can't read bitch! The truth will come out! James leaves before he is forced to visit several felonies upon this douchebag and I remind myself that letting a round go at the TV will only leave me alone and friendless while Brandon Walsh will continue to live on and prosper in reruns.

Morning has broken at Casa Walsh and Brenda warns her brother that their father has once again unearthed his yearbook. Sure enough, there's Jim, just sitting back trying to recapture a little of the glory of the time he nailed a shot at the buzzer to win the big championship game. To which I say, you, sir, are a liar. Or is that his kindergarten yearbook? It's the night before the final tryouts and Brandon's working the late shift at The Pit, which concerns Jim. Jim lets on that he might be willing to pay for Brandon's car insurance if he makes the team. Cindy, in an off the shoulder cocktail dress, clutches her pearls at this suggestion of bribery. Brandon is pensive.

That night, Kelly calls Brenda and begs for rescue. Janet canceled and Kenny puked all over the limo, which was "molto gross"! Brenda resists until Kelly needles her with "you're my best friend". Brenda relents because she has no dignity. She also has no license and no car but she seems to think it will be no problem for her to jack Mondale for the evening. I foresee much hilarity coming from this turn of events! Like this awkward pep-talk Brenda is giving herself as she navigates the streets of LA. She's a good driver! She's a great driver! She's a terrific driver! And she's... out of gas. The illicit guitar is mildly amused by this. She takes herself and her rockin' white high-tops over to the nearest gas station where an amicable gentleman is happy to fill her tank (no, not like that) on good-faith alone. But alas, Mondale has disappeared into the night. See? Hilarity!

Over at The Pit, Nat is coaching Brandon on how to put mayonnaise on bread. Wow, even I don't think Brandon is that much of a fucking moron. Brandon is eager to take off because his library books will be overdue soon and he'll be charged 10 cents. Per book! Do you see? Do you see how hardworking and responsible he is? DO YOU DAMN IT?! Nat does, he's gazing at him with love light in his eyes as he bids him farewell till the morrow.

Brandon drops off his books with a death gleam that comes to rest on James, the supposed illiterate, READING at a nearby table. Brandon stomps over and loudly demands to know just what in the Hell James thinks he's doing with all them books. James is like, you mean a dumb, black jock? Brandon: "I never said that!" Maybe not, but it's all in the tone, bub. Work on that. Even now, he's shaking his shoulders into his combat journalism pose as James informs him that he was not in fact recruited to play basketball. He's not in the program at all. His dad worked for the Beverly Hills library for 15 years so I guess he can go to whatever school he wants. Brandon doesn't know what to say. James: "Then why don't you try saying nothing." Yeah, keep dreaming those crazy dreams. James used to go to school in Inglewood (with Tyra?) but his parents wanted him to have more opportunity so they sent him to West Beverly 4 weeks into the semester. Brandon: "Sounds like what happened to me." Except, not at all. James is like, satisfied, rich white man? Brandon's not rich, y'all! He has a JOB. Also, no one tells either of them to shut the fuck up. In a library.

When Brandon returns home to his humble, not-at-all-rich-looking hovel he finds a detective there taking a report for his car. Jim tells Brandon not to worry about the car and to concentrate instead on tomorrow's tryouts. For whatever reason, this sets Brandon off: "What if I don't try out tomorrow? What if I just quit the team right now?" Could you maybe wait for the poor detective to leave before you throw your little pity party? He starts yelling at Jim that he assumed all this stuff about basketball and he never even asked! And you never said anything, so what the fuck? And other than being a short little weeny with delusions of athleticism, Jim hasn't really been so awful this episode. He's hardly the Great Santini.

Cindy brushes her fluffy hair and scolds Jim about annoying their son, "the natural athlete." Uh, if you say so. Even when she's being critical, she's still giving him a back rub. Grow some stones Cindy.

Brenda confesses to Brandon about the car and he goes off on her about her obsession with being cool and pleasing Kelly. Fair enough, I'd be fucking pissed too. Then Brenda goes on some tangent about a car accident she was in as a child and realizes that this is why she is great at everything she does except driving. And plucking her eyebrows. And modesty. Anyway, she is sorry about both the car and the team. Brandon's just got a lot of things on his mind... a lot of things. He has come to realize he's not as underprivileged and black as he believed he was this morning.

Now we're at the gym early in the morning with Brandon and Brandon's weird legs. Oh, and James. They play a little one on one and Brandon tells James he's got a "nice touch". Heh. He also does two very shocking things: he admits that he wanted James to be guilty so he'd have a better shot of making the team AND he confesses that race relations aren't really something he's dealt with before. My God, the writers and I are in agreement over Brandon's motives! I suddenly fell less alone in this world. Also, James' shirt has a bunch of racial slurs printed across the back of it and is kind of awesome.

Brenda tells her drivers' ed instructor about her emotional breakthrough. She's ready to head over to the lot and give her reflexes a work out! The instructor wonders if this means he's getting a hand job.

David and Scott. They exist.

Andrea asks Brandon what James said when he confronted him. He told Brandon not to be afraid to pop it in the perimeter. Um... butt sex? Everyone gets all nervous when the black players approach but Brandon's cool with them now. Also, Steve is still racist.

Walsh family BBQ. Brandon tells his dad he made the B team and he's sorry he didn't measure up. And yet another confession! Jim admits he only got to play in the big game because all the starters fouled out. And time slips away, leaving Jim with nothin' mister, 'cept boring stories ooooooof... oh, and Mondale's back! It was just towed! Hooray! I think everyone grew a little this week, don't you?

God, that was painful. Next time: let the regression begin.