Episode 1, "The Green Room" aired 10/11/90.
What is this "Green Room"? Let Brandon tell you:
"There's an expression surfers use for the curl of a perfect wave. It's called The Green Room and getting inside is the peak of the ride. To a new student like myself, The Green Room might as well be West Beverly, because getting inside it - the in crowd, the in parties, the in clothes, the in cars - requires a skill they never taught us back in Minnesota, or so I thought. That was when I took it all at face value, when I believed people's images and played along with them. What I've learned is that appearances can be very deceiving and if you believe them, you deceive yourself more than anyone else. I know better now, so when you meet me in the halls or in class or on the lawn at lunch, I'll be looking for more than meets the eye, and I hope you will too. Because that's where the green room is."
So now you know and I bet you feel more complete as a person. We begin with a shot of Brandon "surfing" in this Green Room, gulping and spitting water. He emerges from the sea, greeted by a beach bunny in one of those bikini bottoms that cuts up dramatically from the crotch to just above the hips. It's a good look, if you like saddlebags. He awakes to see his sister in a hideous floral top, telling him to rise and shine.
And then we're suddenly back in snowy Minnesota. A mailman walks up to the old Walsh homestead but guess what? They moved to California, suckah! Some cheesy animation reminds us of that fact and then the credits roll with the original, jazzercize version of the theme song, not the rockin' one most of us remember. It's got more saxophone than guitar and a peppy, synthesized rhythm section. It's the perfect tune for Jim and Cindy's power-walks!
Breakfast. Jim is in Chicago, thank Christ.
At school, DJ Mic MC (creative name, that) is doing his Warriors "thang". Today's topic is the beach. Brandon's like, I totally dreamed of the beach! Brenda's like, no shit, this is southern California. Kelly walks up in a puffy peasant blouse and let's us know she spent all last weekend on her back. Meanwhile, David is still harassing Steve about The Hartley House. Even Scott is embarrassed.
Beverly Blaze. Andrea tells Brandon to write a fish out of water editorial. Brandon reluctantly agrees.
Tech class, where kids fool around with useless robots and Apple IIe's. Brandon is watching Scott make a computer simulated night club when two jocks come up and start their usual menacing. But hey, not so fast! None other than Dylan McKay, sporting leather and an earring, spins around out of nowhere and warns everyone that he is "not in a good mood today." Indeed, all 90 pounds of him are feeling hostile. The jocks are scared, like he's gonna pull out a switchblade and go all Outsiders on them. Brandon seems titillated. Look, I know the whole "Brandon and Dylan are gay for each other" line of commentary is kind of obvious but there's really no way to ignore it in this episode. And with illicit guitar this intense, what am I supposed to think?
Outside by the steps, Brandon casts longing looks in Dylan's direction before working up the nerve to approach. He tries to get a lunch date but has to settle for surfing lessons.
At the beach, Brandon wears yellow flippers and goes boogie-boarding while all the cool kids surf. After nearly drowning in a foot of water, he retreats to the sand and talks to a sweet but cracked-out looking Valley girl named Sarah. Seriously, that chick looks like she's lived a lot of life. Sarah, called Betty by her possessive Valley guy friends, tries to flirt with him but he just wants the scoop on Dylan. We get a nice shot of Brando's pit hair in this scene.
Brenda and Kelly shop. Brenda is on a budget, Kelly is not.
Steve's mom talks to him via intercom. She wants him to buddy up to David in the mistaken belief that his dad is a producer.
Cindy putters around the kitchen while Brandon sneaks off to be with his exciting new boyfriend. Upstairs, Brenda's fashion angst continues. She and Cindy commiserate about being merely upper middle class in the land of the super rich. The poor dears.
Brandon hangs out in Dylan's car and finds Dylan's strategically placed collection of Lord Byron's poetry. Dylan relates to the late poet because he too, by his own estimation, is "mad, bad, and dangerous to know." Dylan is an ass. Before things can get too steamy in the front seat, they move the party over to the Bel Age hotel, along with Sarah/Betty and the two guys from The Valley. Brandon is freaking out because they don't even have a reservation and he's all hurt and disappointed that his crush is turning out to be so naughty. But wasn't that the appeal, Brando? Dylan finally lets on that he lives at the hotel but Brandon is in the middle of a snit fit and will not be appeased. They don't do wacky hijinks in Minnesota, damnit!
The morning after. Brandon is still upset. Brenda informs him that everybody already knows about Dylan and his wicked ways. Face it, Brandon, he moves too fast for you. Kelly arrives to pick up Brenda, dressed in her hobo best, for a day at the beach. Brandon would like to stay home and pout but Brenda drags him along.
The beach. I should let you know that I'm watching the DVD version and most of the original soundtrack is replaced with crunchy, grungy mid-nineties songs that do not capture the mood. At all. Kelly is wearing a white bustier with a white jean skirt and white cowboy boots. It's not the worst thing she's ever worn but it's definitely White Snake, especially when combined with her stringy skank bangs. And why does a girl that pale insist on wearing so much white? Brandon wanders off and finds the Valley kids getting drunk and talking shit about Beverly Hills. He puts on his best "Daddy's not mad, honey, he's just very disappointed" face for Sarah/Betty. Then Dylan, who cannot even fill out his wet suit, walks up and makes nice. He says he wants to be friends and, I kid you not, licks his lips. They decide on a truce and Brandon totally checks out Dylan's ass as he walks back into the surf. And then he licks his lips too. Elsewhere, Steve tolerates David for his mom's sake while Kelly and Donna express their dissatisfaction with the social scene. Brenda goes to fetch Brandon and Kelly totally drives off without her. Wow, dick move. And yet, I kind of like early Kelly. Back when she was a straight up trampy bitch, before she started hiding behind sanctimony and a rewritten history. Oh, and Sarah/Betty is totally drowning. Eh, just leave her to die. The world will not miss her. Brenda calls 911 while Brandon administers CPR. Breathe, damn you!
The twins are at the hospital, getting an update from the doctor. Don't worry everyone, Sarah/Betty shall live. Cindy arrives and is worried but proud. That night, Brandon can't sleep. He has some moralizing to get off his chest! So he returns to the beach in the morning and gets in a slap fight with Sarah/Betty's Valley buddies until Dylan breaks it up: "Ennnough, Ennnough!" One of the guys calls Brandon a tool and Dylan responds by breaking his surfboard. The truth hurts.
Back at the Walsh house, it's round one of "Brenda and Kelly aren't speaking." And, after days of work, Brandon has finally finished his one paragraph "editorial" which he makes Brenda read out loud. Cindy listens in and both women are so proud because Brandon is wise beyond his years. Speaking of advanced years, Dylan is in the Bel Age (which looks like a cheap motel) trying to call his parents in France. You can tell by the guitar in the background that they aren't going to pick up.
Back at school, DJ Mic MC dedicates a song to the twins. Steve finds out David's dad is actually an oral surgeon. Andrea smugly approves of Brandon's essay. Sarah/Betty visits Brandon to let him know she's starting AA. Brenda and Kelly make up. The twins think they're gonna make it after all. Everybody jazzercize!
And now, Will's Two Cents, as transcribed (badly) by me:
On Brandon's dream: "Look how douchey his fantasies are. We should have been able to tell from minute one. And this bitch totally has a camel toe."
On DJ Mic MC: "I love that this is what inspires David. He's like, oh man, that guy's so cool, I wanna get into radio. And thus, a star is born."
On Kelly saying she spent all last weekend on her back: "We need to start documenting the amount of times Kelly proves with her own comments how much of a slut she really is. And she fucking loves it! She's a self-aware whore."
On Scott: "Who did what's his name, Scott, know to get on this show? Because he is the worst actor ever. There were definitely some dicks that got sucked. I don't know how many or whose, but dicks were sucked."
On Dylan and Brandon's friendship: "You know what I didn't realize? They just set him up as Brandon's dream man. Like how in the beginning he's dreaming of being this awesome surfer dude who gets all these hot chicks and Dylan really is that guy. And Brandon resents him for it. And it's right there from the beginning - the reason Brandon has a huge stick up his ass about Dylan."
On Brandon's surfing lesson: "I love this action photography. Am I really supposed to believe that was Luke Perry there? I think we've discussed this before but Brandon's arm pit hair is really gross. Like, look at the surface area it covers. It's so long and vast."
On Sarah/Betty: "She's got a snaggle tooth and it's ugly."
On Steve's mom: "I think every time Steve's mom comes up we should mention the fact that she munches box. Because she does. It should be in the forefront of your mind, she's a muff diver."
On the hotel non-break in: "Look how fucking annoyed Brandon is by the fact that he has to break a rule. And Dylan, you can't be a fucking tough guy and then be like, I'm going to go home and order room service from this five-star hotel."
On Brenda's hair: "Those bangs are really bad. She looks like a balding man with a comb-over.
On Dylan: "I'd totally fuck young Dylan... but you can't write that!"
On the soundtrack: "Man, the illicit guitar starts soon and strong. That was pretty good, I have to say."
On this episode's theme: "Because that's where The Green Room is... in my pants."
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