"The Same Old Jim"

There’s been an 8 year break here on 902blog0 but luckily this show only gets better with age, so you’re welcome.  Those of us who blog here are now in our early thirties, so we’re only like 5 year away from being the same age as Luke Perry and Gabrielle Cart-whatshername when they played 16 year olds!   I can’t wait until I’m old enough to play a high schooler on Fox. I also should introduce myself, I’m Robyn a 90210 love to hate-er from youth, and a new voice here.  As a hazing ritual, I’ve been giving the Cindy Walsh has an affair episode to recap for my first blog.  Whatever.  Grab a bottle of vodka, we’re going in.  Get ready for 46 minutes I can never get back.

Peppy theme song… maybe this won’t be so bad.  Hands down, my favorite part of these original credits is Cindy and Jimbo power walking.

 CLOSE UP, Cindy taking off her rings (FORESHADOWING) Jim took Cindy to some fancy restaurant and they had to wait 4-eva, and Cindy’s bitching about it and about how they’re not in Minnesota anymore AND about how Jim has to work on their anniversary. Calm down lady, can’t you appreciate anything.  She woos Jim into bed with her sexy long forest green night gown bed and DEAR JESUS THE CHEST HAIR!  Also, who sexily unbuttons a pajama top like Jim did?  Don’t you just pull it of over your head? I’m beginning to understand why Cindy may stray… Oh god, Cindy just pushed him away and asked to talk fist, never mind Jim, I’m on your side now.  He leaves Cindy to go work.  Hear that Cindy, instead of talking to you, he’d rather do accounting work.

 Walking to the car, Brenda comments on feeling tension because “mom didn’t slice dad’s grapefruit”, come on Jim get it together, your wife has to cut your grapefruit?  Brandon said they’re married they’re supposed to be crabby.  Good one, Brandon.

West Bev, DJ auditions are happening, poor Scott is encouraging David to audition, luckily Steve is there to knock David down a few notches and say that he’s auditioning too.  Suck on that, Silver.

 B&B are approached by some lady who wants them to be in a twin study.  I hope it’s about how one twin is awesome and the other twin is terrible.  Guess which one you are Brandon (embarrassing admission time, when I was a stupid youth, I used to have a crush on Brandon. I see the errors of my way, Steve is clearly the best of this bunch).  Brenda’s all into because it’s a college study, where Brandon doesn’t want to be a guinea pig but when he learns he gets $$ and time off from school, SIGN HIM UP.

Cindy’s with her maid at the nursery and some creeper takes pictures of her.  Cindy is legit making her maid carry the hose and bunch of plants while she carries an empty watering can.  Turns out Cindy know the creeper, it’s Glenn!  GLENN! An old friend.  She introduces her maid as her assistant… sure Cindy, whatever you say.  Glenn says he didn’t know who Cindy was when he was taking her picture, which is weird, but no one seems flustered by this man who takes secret pictures of women. NBD.

Glenn has stopped his traveling photographer job and settled in LA.  Cindy calls Jim “the same ol’Jim” poor Jimbo.  She invites Glenn to dinner.  Offering dinner and dessert (wink wink).

Glenn is at the Walsh house regaling the family with stories of his adventures to which Brendan offers up that “Tiananmen Square sounds intense,” no shit fuck face.  Moving on.  Glenn tries to tell stories about how Jim used to be cool and about how Glenn used to bang Cindy.  Turns out Glenn introduced Jim and Cindy therefore Glenn is responsible for the birth of the Walsh twins.  KILL HIM NOW!

 Jim goes off to work, B&B go off since they have to wake up for their twin study in the morning leaving Glenn and Cindy alone downstairs.  Glenn says he’d love to take their pictures because they’re twins, which is stupid since they’re not identical so it’s just taking picture of siblings. 

Going upstairs, Brenda says she thinks Glenn has the hots for Cindy!  Brandon is appropriately horrified. Uh oh, it’s like 10:30pm and Cindy’s still not in bed!  Jim is worried!  He puts on his plaid robe of investigations and sees Cindy and Glenn lying back and reminiscing on the couch.

Ooooh, according to Brenda, Cindy was up until 3am with Glenn!  B&B encounters some super creepy twins at the research study, because duh, twins are creepy. Everyone knows that.

 Cindy’s on a convertible date with Glenn.  She’s having the BEST time!  She’s seeing all these different people, like artists, and black people, and poor people! Homeless people!  Venice is amazing!  Then end up in his studio where her scarf is artfully placed across her shoulders, she’s critiquing his work and Glenn starts critiquing her marriage (snap).  He’s putting doubt in Cindy’s mind…

Twin study time, ESP games!  They have to guess the playing card that the other twin is looking at. Clearly B&B suck at this and the creepy blond twins are great at it.  Brendon accuses them of cheating since he’s a sore loser idiot.  It all boils down to the identical twins are totally samesies and B&B are total opposites.

 Glenn and Cindy are on a bridge in Venice and Glenn is putting the moves on.  He invites her to his opening tomorrow and Cindy says “We’d love to”.  Oooh, burn.

 Cindy gets into bed with Jim and she’s wearing a green face mask, like she doesn’t even fucking care about making Jimbo happy!  You can cut the tension with a knife.

 West Bev, David is rapping.  People legit throw things at him.  It’s my favorite part of the episode!

 Oh look, there’s Kelly!  Brenda invites her to Glenn’s art opening and Kelly says Brenda could be a famous model.  Don’t feed her lies, Kelly. 

 Cindy is getting dressed for a fancy LA art opening in her very best Laura Ashley dress.  B&B bitch to each other about how the twin IQ test revealed Brenda is good at quantitative reasoning and Brandon is “Mr. English”. Brandon is rip shit because he knows he’s supposed to be the best and Brenda is supposed to be an idiot.  Jim calls Cindy and says he can’t go to the art opening because he has to work late.  Keeping that lady in Laura Ashley isn’t cheap!

 The 30 year old high schoolers are talking about how Glenn is so cool, way to cool for Cindy (fact).  Glenn brings Cindy outside with him two glasses of luke warm chardonnay in their hands.  He tells Cindy how amazing she is, which really confirms to me that Glenn has some sort of psychosis.  Maybe this episode ends with him in an institution. OH GOD HERE IT IS, he and Cindy make out. She’s wearing one of those banana clip things in her hair.  I can’t even.

 Kelly and Brenda are hanging out in Casa Walsh and Kelly rightly brings up that she can’t believe in the room full of beautiful women that Glenn would pick Cindy.  Then Kelly and Brenda talk about the signs of an affair and what’s it like being a child of divorce.  Kelly doesn’t mention two Christmases, which seems like a misstep.

 Jim finally comes home from crunching numbers and he and Cindy have a conversation about how all Jim does is work and Cindy thinks it’s because he doesn’t want to hang out with her, which seems accurate to me!  Cindy is walking downstairs and hears Kelly and Brenda talking about S-E-X and marriage.   Gross.

 Over at twin study, Brenda says Cindy didn’t even BUY Jim a grapefruit today!  The twin study lady asks B&B about what’s going on at home.  Brenda says it used to be “pretty cool” but then says it’s gone to shit and Brandon freaks out and runs out. 

 Cindy’s maid comes in and says something I can’t understand.  Glenn calls and leaves a fourth message on her machine.  She’s conflicted.

 B&B are brainstorming ideas to save their parents marriage with Kelly and Donna.  The brain trust is here.  Brenda’s idea is to buy their mom slutty lingerie and say it’s from their dad, which is the worst idea ever.  Instead, they settle on a candle light dinner that goes terribly.  Urgh, Jim just says he only has a vague memory of sex.  I can’t even recap this conversation. Basically he works too much and she feels ignored.  Jim walks out!  Cindy leaves!

 And ends up at Glenn’s! In her station wagon! She shuts things down but he gives her the creepy pictures he took of her at the nursery when she wasn’t looking. Thanks??  Glenn’s argument is they’re already having an emotional affair so might as well have real one.  He asks…. Hasn’t she always wanted to know what it’s like to make love to each other… and excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth.  Cindy runs out and B&B see her running to her car because they were coming over to get their pictures taken!

Cindy comes into the kitchen and she and Jim bond over some story he wrote for a journal in college.  He talked about unfulfilled dreams and I got bored and refilled my vodka glass.

 Argh the twins come down and they’re super cold to Cindy and call Jim “Big Guy” and they leave without eating breakfast saying they’re nauseous and have lost their appetite (because she’s having an affair, that’s the subtext).

 Twin bonding in the car over how they can’t fix their parent’s marriage.  Wah wah.

Jim knows what the fuck is going on and tells Cindy he loves her.  Who knows why, seems like he had the perfect out, but whatever. Oh SNAP, he doesn’t go to work, he goes to Glenn’s house.  Jim is going to throw down.  Ah, lame, there’s no throw down, you just get Jim yelling at Glenn to respect his family and don’t fuck his wife.  He tells him to get his own damn family.  I don’t know Jim, missed opportunity to toss them all of on someone else.

 The DJ auditions start with Donna, who’s terrible, then Steve, who’s freezes up when people look at him, and then David SAVES him.  Then he raps and I think we’re supposed to be impressed…. I have no idea at this point.

B&B are apologizing for being such terrible twins to the woman who runs the study, but then they get this validations about how they’re the wonder twins and I roll my eyes so far back in my head they get stuck.

 Glenn comes over to the Walshes and Cindy breaks it off and I could give a crap.  Glenn is going to Canada, which sounds about right. BYE GLENN! As he leaves he tells B&B that they’re a great family that works well together.  Stop pumping their egos Glenn, they’re the worst.

 They’re all hanging out in the kitchen and Jim comes home early and whisks Cindy off for a night away for their anniversary!  Problem solved!  No more broken marriage.  

Deep breath everyone, we’ve made it.  Now go drink more vodka so you forget about Glenn asking Cindy about making love.

"My hair is no joking matter."

Episode 5, "Higher Education" aired 11/15/90.

One last Brandon-centric episode to slog through before Jackie Taylor's coke fueled meltdown. Will won't be contributing any of his thoughts this time around as he is out in California, probably making a pilgrimage to the beach apartment while I'm back here in my own beach apartment. Hermosa Beach, Rockaway Beach, same shit right? Shut up, I am not crying.

The Peach Pit has yet another exterior, but still not the one most of us have come to know. The sign looks like it was made of construction paper. Brandon's inside busing tables and studying history at the same time, just trying to elevate himself and put food on the table in this crazy town. He notices his stodgy old history teacher, Mr. Danzel, at the counter and marches right up to introduce himself. Mr. Danzel could not be less impressed and orders Brandon to get out of his face and bring him some horseradish. Nat tells Brandon not to let Danzel get to him...

...But get to him he does when Brandon receives a C on his American history quiz the next day. Danzel grades on a curve: top 10 percent get A's, bottom 10 get F's, everyone else gets C's. Brandon raises his hand, slack-jawed with disbelief, and complains that he only missed 3 questions. Which, out of ten? Yeah, that's a C even without the curve. Danzel is like, tough titties, other people did better. Brandon has a hard time comprehending that notion, especially seeing as one of those other people is Steve. And apparently Andrea, since instead of slitting her wrists she's hassling Brandon over a story on the swim team he's supposed to be writing. But he has a JOB! How can he be expected to work, go to school, AND write for the paper he begged to join voluntarily? Andrea's like, I edit the damn paper and you don't see me whining. And I don't work to pay for my car insurance because I take the bus. And unlike you, I am actually middle class. Or maybe she just tells him not to be crabby because he got a C. Brandon's all, "Look, what are grades anyway? I mean they're just some weird arbitrary reference points, they can't measure what a person really knows." Well, they don't necessarily measure how smart you are, but they can measure what you know in reference to a particular subject. And obviously you didn't know that much. Andrea suggests they study together and confirms that she got an A but "what are grades anyway?"

Kelly and Brenda ogle Dylan in his big tan jacket and hoop earring. Kelly asks after his tastes and he tells her he prefers blonds but is clearly checking out Brenda. Kelly looks threatened. Let the triangulation begin!

At home, Brenda checks herself out in the mirror, imagining how much better she'd look with a giant crimped rats' nest of blond piled on her head. Cindy sees her and puts her Reviving Ophelia face on: "Oh honey, you're beautiful." Brenda: "Not California beautiful." And while I do think Shannen Doherty can at times be quite stunning, early season 1 is not one of those times. Jim comes home and Brenda tells him she's gotta change her hair but dads don't care about that shit. Cindy tells Jim that Brandon's studying upstairs with "Awwndrea" and they both make fun of her pretentious name.

Andrea snoops around Brandon's room while he uses the bathroom and scoffs to herself when she sees his swimsuit calendar. Guess he keeps the fetish stuff under the mattress. She darts back to her chair when he reenters and they get down to studying. Brandon tosses her a question and when she answers, mildly smug, he's all WRONG! No, she replies, I'm actually right, and why are you yelling at me? He just can't stand that she thinks she's so smart all the time! Oh, irony. Enter Jim, introductions all around. Jim tells Andrea that Brandon's an ace at history and she more or less laughs in his face. After Jim leaves, Brandon starts freaking out because there's too much to cover. Andrea: "Look, it's not that difficult Brandon." Brandon: "You act like I have a learning disability or something!" Andrea can't take much more of Brandon's sensitivity and constant demands for validation so she jets.

Sure enough Brandon, wearing a T-shirt with a giant whale or possibly a seal flopping around on it, gets another C on his history quiz and shoots dirty looks at Andrea, preening around with her A. After class he meets up with Steve, whose shirt is too weird and ugly to describe. Brandon's worried about his grades because of old task master Jim and his supposed academic prowess back in high school. Didn't we just go over this? Anyway, they agree to study together.

Steve lounges around in his pool while Brandon sits on the side, shirt mercifully on. Steve thinks it's pretty funny that Mr. and Mrs. Walsh are still married. Who else would have them? Brandon tries to study and Steve blows him off, offering some Laker tickets that he got for his birthday. Brandon aw shuckses about his poor people birthday presents of steak and shirts and Steve is like, try having your dad move out and then maybe you'll hit the big time like me. Steve's dad is also going to get him into USC and Brandon doesn't think it'll be a problem, what with all the A's. Steve glances at him conspiratorially, tells him he's a good guy, and tosses him a question: "Memorize it Brandon. Trust me, it's the exact kind of question that hemorrhoid likes to ask." And thus we are at the beginning of our slippery slope to utter corruption.

Because of course it's the first question, verbatim, on Danzel's quiz the next day. Brandon is pissed at Steve, but not pissed enough to abstain from rubbing the answer in Andrea's face. And definitely not pissed enough to turn down a copy of next week's quiz.

Brenda and Kelly both hate Brenda's hair. Brenda can't afford a fancy salon. Donna puts both contacts in the same eye because she is dumb.

Pit. Brandon doesn't want to wait on Denzel. Nat tells him to suck it up and deal. Danzel smiles at him and tells him he did well on the quiz and Brandon practically spooges all over him.

In class, Danzel tells his students that they should be encouraged by Brandon's turn around, and that he was the only one to get a perfect score. And then the class applauds, in a wholly non-sarcastic manner. In the parlance of their times: as if. Andrea is good-humored and self-deprecating about her C. So, when do they turn her into the humorless troll I remember? Because so far I'm finding her surprisingly tolerable. She thinks they should give their study session another try but he turns her down. Meanwhile, Dylan flirts with Kelly and now Brenda is threatened.

Walsh Kitchen. Brenda: "Change your hair, you can change your life!" Totally. I've had kinky, curly hair since puberty and only this year did I figure out how to straighten it on my own. And now my life is... exactly the same. Still, if I had learned how to do it 12 years ago, I think junior high might have been a bit more enjoyable. Cindy feels that $300 for a haircut is a little steep. Actually, Brenda was thinking more along the lines of a weave. No, Brenda, no! Cindy's like, don't your dare: "Honey, the people that do those things to themselves just want to look the way you already do!" This plot line reminds me of the time my mom told me I was beautiful on the inside. Of course I took it that I must be ugly on the outside and even my brother was like not cool, Ma. So I told my friend Robyn and she comforted me thus: "Aw, Lib, that's not true. You're not beautiful on the inside." Which, to date, is my favorite thing she's ever said. Anyway, Brenda has to stay boring. Brandon comes in and announces his A. Everyone's real proud, especially ol' Jim. Brandon rounds the corner while Jim tells Cindy their boy will make the honor roll, even if Jim has to take the tests for him. So he's okay with the cheating then? Brandon is pensive. Seriously, this is the same fucking episode as the last one. It's like Rio Bravo and El Dorado where basketball is Dean Martin and American history is Robert Mitchum. And fucking Brandon and Jim are The Duke. I knew there was a good reason I never really liked John Wayne.

Brandon's in his room hitting the books and Brenda comes in trying to get a little info about Dylan and bemoaning her fate as a brunette. Brandon kicks her out.

At the Pit, Brandon picks up his check and runs into a polite and personable Denzel, who he rudely attempts to blow off on his way out the door. Danzel says he understands how hard he must of have worked to turn his grade around, which of course touches a nerve and flips on Brandon's crusading asshole switch: "When I was making C's in your class you didn't have the time of day for me but now that I'm making A's you're very friendly, why is that?" Danzel's like, er, I have 5 classes a day and I don't have time for every moron in need of an ego-fellating? Brandon's not done: "Anyone can learn a bunch of facts [except you, apparently] but that doesn't mean they're learning anything!" Danzel rightly points out that you can't intelligently examine subjects about which you know no facts. Brandon can't get over the "unfair" curve that has labeled him "average". Surely not! His parting shot: "I can't stand here and listen to you pat yourself on the back. The way you teach and give grades is unfair! It alienates everybody and makes... it just doesn't work!" Guess he isn't doing so well in his oratory class either. And have fun in college when yourvprofessor doesn't even know your name and you're just some anonymous... aw damn it. We all know Brandon becomes the most famous person at "CU" ever. Foiled again! Anyway, Danzel looks like he might actually be mulling this over. Please, for the love of God, don't go changing just to please him.

Ugh. This episode is physically painful for me to get through because I hate Brandon so much in it. I mean, I hate Brandon always but this is beyond the pale. So, there's another quiz. Brandon looks around. Danzel wants to know if there's a problem. No problem whatsoever. He pulls out the quiz copy from under his desk and Andrea sees. He sees her see. The bell rings and Brandon rushes after her and she's all, I thought you were different! And by the way, fuck off! Brandon thinks real hard.

Another Walsh family BBQ, this time with Kelly. She congratulates him on his A and he acts all put out because the weight of the world's expectations lays so heavy on his mortal shoulders. In the kitchen, Cindy warns Jim not to pressure Brandon about his grades because Brandon is on his period and could cry at the drop of a hat. Jim's like, sure thing, even though I wasn't and I'm actually being sort of inoffensive this week.

That same night Kelly dyes Brenda's hair. Slasher music plays as dawn breaks... Brenda's hair has been replaced by a blond streaked frizz ball wig. Accident or sabotage? We'll never know. I haven't yet figured out how the dye completely changed the hair texture and the length but regardless, it looks terrible. Brandon comes in and makes fun of her. Truth be told, she's taking this a lot better than I would have. Downstairs the rest of the family gathers for breakfast and are like blah pressure blah grades blah until Brenda comes down and there is collective silence and horrified staring. Seriously, they don't even attempt to tell her she doesn't look like Kentucky Fried Ass. White lies are unacceptable in the Walsh house.

Brandon stares down Danzel in the quad and is joined by Dylan, who informs him that Danzel plans to retire after the school year. Dylan learned a lot from his class but Brandon says all he's learning is how to cheat. Dylan wrinkles his leathery brow and warns him, with a lingering hand to the shoulder, about flirting with "bad karma". Brandon doesn't quite comprehend since he's a solid Midwestern Presbyterian and not some left coast Buddhist fairy like his friend Earrings McGee here. Dylan departs just as Steve enters the quad and Brandon runs away like a wee little girl.

Brenda and her big floppy sunhat endure Kelly's barely concealed glee at the sorry state of her hair.

Steve catches up with Brandon and offers him a copy of the upcoming midterm. Brandon has doubts. He turns around and sees Andrea, just waiting for him to come up and badger her. Andrea insists they have nothing to talk about. His response? "GOD you are so JUDGEMENTAL!" Dear Lord, the things that come out of this boy's mouth! He then tries to deflect the blame onto Danzel but she ain't buying it. Brandon scowls in confusion.

In class, Danzel would like to know the reasons behind the dramatic decline of the native American population in California. Actually, he says "Indian" which I guess was still okay to say on a politically correct show like this in 1990. Beats dirt-worshipping heathen anyway. Brandon says "the white man" killed them off. "The White Man?" Just say "whites", okay? I don't know why you have to suddenly change your vocabulary when talking about this particular population. It just sounds condescending and Brandon certainly doesn't need any more help with that. Danzel is unimpressed with his stock answer and it falls to Andrea to further explain about the "so-called reservations". Yes, they are called reservations. So just call them reservations. At any rate, her anger when spitting out this phrase seems directed more at Brandon than at the US government's racist policies. Which, fair enough. Such is the epic scope of his unpleasantness. Danzel thanks her and suggests that Brandon might want to dig deeper instead of just memorizing facts. Schooled!

Brenda comes home and Cindy tries again to stop her from being a vain little bitch. Cindy once felt ugly too thanks to The Beach Boys but then she married Jim and she realized that only a true beauty could land a hot piece of ass like him.

Steve comes into The Pit while Brandon's working and questions his commitment to their little scheme. Brandon assures him that he's no rat and Steve hands over the midterm copy just as Danzel walks in. Later, Brandon mopes his way out into the back lot and spies Danzel with a flat. Brandon can't resist getting a little smug that this elderly man can't change his own tire but Danzel continues his admirable trend of dismissing him as a minor annoyance. So of course Brandon changes his tire but before he can rub it in properly Danzel foils him with sob story about his dead wife and how he wears his ugly clothes in a tribute to her memory or something. Brandon somehow refrains from dropping some platitudes about grief and instead drops the folded up test copy. Danzel hands it back to him and offers him good luck.

Ah, the library. Where, as we learned in the last episode, Brandon does his best screeching. This time a studying Andrea is the victim. Brandon strides over to her table and demands to know if she's ever wanted to cheat on anything. Andrea scoffs "of course I have, who hasn't. But I didn't and you did." Brandon gets his war face on: "You know sometimes you act like you have a personal stake in everything I do like we're a couple or something." Mean, and kind of true in other scenarios, but in this one you're basically just fucking with her grades so I award you no points. And now the real gem: "You see everything as black and white, right or wrong! But what I did in Danzel's class was not a black and white issue! It was a gray area!" Because he only sort of cheated? You lost me, bub. Not satisfied with the level at which he is making no sense, he closes with "You probably don't believe it but I feel plenty guilty already. What I was hoping for from you was maybe a little understanding, maybe a little support. Thanks Andrea. Thanks for nothing." Because she insists on disappointing me, Andrea chooses to look shamefaced at his mind-bending twists of petulant logic, which deflect blame toward the insufficient moral code of a girl he accuses of caring too much and then too little about his useless, arrogant ass. Oh, and nobody tells either of them to shut the fuck up. In a library. Again.

Determined to prove her mom wrong about that whole not-ugly thing, Brenda exits the house in a dark blue floral sports bra and high-wasted nylon shorts that certainly don't do her figure any favors. It's like she's actively trying to have love handles. Cindy, puttering around the garden again, sees her with a hat in her hand and tells her she doesn't need it. Not for the first time, I vehemently disagree. Off she goes, stomping down the street like a Clydesdale. It's enough to turn Dylan's head. Doing a U-Turn on his hog he stops next to her, whipping off his helmet and providing us with the credits shot we know and love so well. After eying her for a bit he offers to take her to a friend of his that does hair and owes him a favor. For what, we can only speculate. My guess is blow, although I'm undecided if I mean the drug or the physical act. Then he tells her to hop on his butt. I'm not even kidding about that last part.

Casa Walsh. Brandon shuffles in, weary from all that ducking of responsibility. And studying. Jim offers him an A for effort, triggering another unwarranted tirade from his son. Holy Jesus, I know I'm repeating myself but it's the exact same fucking episode as the one before it, right down to the post library sneer-fest parental pressure pity-party! It's like they couldn't fit in all the sucking they planned for him last time so they had to redo it. With extra suck. Brandon can't take the pressure that his parents are not putting on him! Jim tells him to lighten up.

Upstairs, Brenda's hair is back to normal thanks to that dreamy geezer Dylan.

Andrea and Brandon meet in the hallway before the midterm. They make nice and Brandon says he's not gonna cheat because it would harm her grades. Aw. I seriously can't believe they never hooked these guys up. I have to believe the producers eventually decided there was too great a disparity in their physical attractiveness (or perceived attractiveness, because ew, Brandon) because all signs point to them eventually dating. The fact that they didn't flies in the face of teen drama convention and well, this is 90210 for Christ's sake. It gave teen drama convention it's good name.

Time for the test. Some slut with a puffed-sleeve denim belly shirt sits up front, oh hi Donna! Danzel surprises everyone with an essay question. Steve is screwed. Afterwards Brandon lets Danzel know that he liked the question and in a round about way lets him know he wasn't going to cheat. Danzel gives him a small smile of approval. In the sanctity of my mind, I imagine that this is followed by him reaching into the desk drawer for his special red pen and marking that paper with the oversized F- it so richly deserves. We all have dreams.

Next time: cocaine's a hell of a drug!

"Aren't you a little short?"

Episode 4, "One on One" aired 11/1/90.

Apparently one person reads this. So Robyn, this one's for you. I was gonna update this sooner but the thing is, I actually have to get up from my bed to switch from cable to DVD and what am I, some kind of hero? Also, this episode sucks balls (appropriately enough).

Basketball porn. Slo-mo shots of balls going into hoops and Jim Walsh doing his best "aww, yeah" nod as his son shoots and scores [If you need an explanation of why Jim sucks, just watch this scene, it sums up everything - Will]. He has some rather pungent looking pit stains but I won't complain since he is at least wearing sleeves. It's so cute, Jim thinks his midget son is going to make the varsity team!

Meanwhile, over in the B plot, Brenda is whining that she needs her own car because Brandon is always running late. But first she needs a license. Ah yes, the comedy goldmine that is drivers' ed!

At school, Brenda spots Kelly and Donna passing and sprints over in a panic, primping her bangs, in order to have a seemingly casual encounter that goes like this:

Kelly: So... Brenda.
Brenda: So... late.
Kelly: So... you?
Brenda: So... cute!
Kelly: So... thanks.
Brenda: So... byee!
Kelly: Byee!

Andrea and Brandon overhear and make the expected derogatory remarks. Brandon informs Andrea that he's not covering the basketball tryouts because he is, in fact, trying out. Andrea: "Aren't you a little short?" Ha!

Steve and Brandon wait on the bench while a bunch of tall people play. Steve thinks he's a lock for varsity. He also thinks Brandon's a little short. Preach it!

Brenda fantasizes about being a race car driver. In reality, she's registering for her fourth attempt at driver's training. She's also wearing this flow western style skirt that I sadly owned back in junior high. I believe I wore it to my hometown's bean hole supper and square dance, held annually at the firehouse parking lot. How's that for folksy, Cindy? Can you top that with your Minnesota and your gardening and your homemade whatsis? The gauntlet has been thrown.

Back at basketball tryouts, Steve kind of sucks. I always thought he made more sense as a jock than Brandon but Brandon has to be the best at everything, even if his 5-foot ass looks ridiculous running around the gym with a bunch of normal sized people. There's really something about Jason Priestley's body, it's just off. He's like Saffy: how does he do that to clothes? A simple t-shirt hangs on him in such a weird way, even on the off chance that he doesn't have the sleeves rolled up. Plus, the height of his sneakers makes his legs look especially short and skinny. The coach compliments his hustle and he gets all cocky. Whatevs, you and your high-tops still look goofy.

Brenda drives around in a parking lot.

Coach Reilly posts the first cut. Brandon makes it, Steve doesn't. Steve pissily tells Brandon that's all well and good, but he definitely won't be making the next round. Brandon goes into Blaze mode and demands to know just what in the Hell Steve is talking about. Steve explains the Applied Learning Opportunity Program, the minority academic enrichment program that basically recruits a bunch of tall black dudes for the team. It makes Steve sick that they're getting a free ride, while he works his ass off to have his parents be rich and live in the school district. Brandon turns around and glances suspiciously at the gathering darkness in the doorway.

We got to and exterior shot of the early Peach Pit where Brandon picks up his check and runs into James, one of the aforementioned black dudes trying out for the team. Brandon wishes him good luck and James tries real hard not to laugh in his wee little face. Luckily, all of James' off camera friends don't try at all.

The Walsh dinner table. Jim wears a gangsta wool cardigan and tells a discouraged Brandon that winning is a state of mind, "If you have the tools, and the guts, and the desire, you can meet any challenge and accomplish any goal." Well, yes, Brandon is a tool. But a very short and scrawny tool. I'm not saying you have to be 6'6'' to play basketball but be real with yourself for once Jim, he came from your gene pool. Kelly, who has joined us for the evening, looks bemused while Brenda can take no more of her father's cliches and snits off to her room, just in time to avoid clearing the table.

Upstairs, Kelly tries to convince Brenda to go on a double date with some guy named Kenny, who apparently describes his male friends with words like "delectable". According to Kelly, Kenny is weird and obnoxious but her smirk indicates that he knows how to please the ladies, depsite his descriptive appraisals of same-gendered companions [This smirk is great because it's like, "well he had a big dick and I loved it." It infuriates me later that she's like, "I was unfairly labeled a slut!" - Will] Brenda resists even after Kelly informs her that she's turning down Janet Jackson and a limo. Front row seats! To "Nasty"! You lie to your parents for Dylan but not for this? For shame, Brenda. Kelly rolls her eyes and goes to the bathroom to spy on Brandon. He's doing a little NBA roll playing with his hamper and some dirty socks. Also you can FULLY see his ass crack and his penis outlined in these droopy cutoff sweats he's wearing. Dear Lord, the horrible things I have seen on this show. And it's only the fifth episode! Kelly thinks it's cute. Kelly, do yourself a favor and go fuck this Kenny person immediately before you find yourself allowing Brandon to hump your leg and whisper sweet coaching platitudes in your ear.

At school, we are treated to a highly unnecessary scene of David attempting to tell people that he was out with the flu in case, by some miracle, he was missed. He was not. Steve runs into Brandon and tells him about last night's Lakers/Celtics game. He rather obviously implies that he rooted for the Celtics because Larry Bird is white but Brandon refuses to catch on because he, like Stephen Colbert, is truly colorblind, even when he looks in the mirror.

We return once again to the random tech/robot lab being conducted without any apparent supervision... oh wait! A teacher! Praising Brandon! It's good of her to show up to do something important like that. James, the alleged basketball draftee, also shows up to get and extension on his assignment. Brandon says he didn't even know James was taking tech. James explains that he's new and therefore not quite on schedule with his classes. Brandon thinks real hard: the wheels of his own personal justice begin their slow and steady turn...

...So he immediately goes and snitches to Andrea, who is less than receptive and rightfully questions Steve Sanders' credibility as a source. Brandon claims that all the applied learning program does is cater to a bunch of jocks who probably can't spell their own names. Yet again, he only cares because these jocks are taking his varsity spot. And for once, Andrea pretty much has his number. Brandon asks her to write the story since it's a conflict of interest for him. Andrea: "Only if you make the team, which rumor has it is less than a sure thing." What the fuck, Andrea? You're making me love you. Brandon says, in that case, everyone will think it's sour grapes. Andrea: "Is it?" Shit, she's owning you, son! She reminds him she also lives out of district and has good reason not to draw attention to the issue. Brandon claims it's not about geography. True enough, she replies, it's about race. Actually, it's about Brandon being short, as you already pointed out. He accuses her of being too lazy to do the legwork on a "killer story". And just like that, she caves. Oh Andrea, what of our love? Gone, alas, like your youth, too soon.

More driver's ed. Brenda crashes into Henry Winkler.

At round two of tryouts, no one will pass the ball to Brandon. Then his dad shows up in full accountant attire and I actually... kind of... feel bad for the kid? Is that okay? Even more so when Jim's arrival distracts him from playing defense and he gets scored on, prompting coach Reilly to yell "get in the game, Walsh!" Jim offers pointless gestures from the sidelines so as to lay claim to some portion of his son's achievement. Just leave for Chrissakes! He is the only spectator there. Could he possibly think this will help his son's confidence? Brandon makes a shot and Jim dorks out with some fist pump action, right as Brandon gets knocked on his ass. Look here, scene, I should be allowed to enjoy the physical humiliation of Brandon without Jim smugging it up in the background, making me all sympathetic and shit.

After practice, Jim's waiting outside to inform his son that he made the cut! Coach Reilly is impressed with his hustle! Go team Walsh! Andrea beckons Brandon over and I hate her again. She's so very excited to tell Brandon that this James kid isn't even enrolled in the applied learning program, so this must mean that he totally doesn't even go to school at all. Andrea offers to talk to James, but Brandon thinks he should do it. Because he has such a delicate touch.

Hoo boy, here we go. Brandon marches up and James sincerely apologizes for the foul at practice, saying his boys were just looking out for the new kid. But Brando is already in attack mode: "Lot of people looking out for you, aren't there James?" He continues the recruitment accusation with this God awful sneer on his righteous mug. Can he not just ask a polite question in a normal tone of voice? So far, it seems as though he's modeled his journalism tactics on Fox's shame reports. Flies and honey, my son. Think on it. Anyway he's all, you can't read bitch! The truth will come out! James leaves before he is forced to visit several felonies upon this douchebag and I remind myself that letting a round go at the TV will only leave me alone and friendless while Brandon Walsh will continue to live on and prosper in reruns.

Morning has broken at Casa Walsh and Brenda warns her brother that their father has once again unearthed his yearbook. Sure enough, there's Jim, just sitting back trying to recapture a little of the glory of the time he nailed a shot at the buzzer to win the big championship game. To which I say, you, sir, are a liar. Or is that his kindergarten yearbook? It's the night before the final tryouts and Brandon's working the late shift at The Pit, which concerns Jim. Jim lets on that he might be willing to pay for Brandon's car insurance if he makes the team. Cindy, in an off the shoulder cocktail dress, clutches her pearls at this suggestion of bribery. Brandon is pensive.

That night, Kelly calls Brenda and begs for rescue. Janet canceled and Kenny puked all over the limo, which was "molto gross"! Brenda resists until Kelly needles her with "you're my best friend". Brenda relents because she has no dignity. She also has no license and no car but she seems to think it will be no problem for her to jack Mondale for the evening. I foresee much hilarity coming from this turn of events! Like this awkward pep-talk Brenda is giving herself as she navigates the streets of LA. She's a good driver! She's a great driver! She's a terrific driver! And she's... out of gas. The illicit guitar is mildly amused by this. She takes herself and her rockin' white high-tops over to the nearest gas station where an amicable gentleman is happy to fill her tank (no, not like that) on good-faith alone. But alas, Mondale has disappeared into the night. See? Hilarity!

Over at The Pit, Nat is coaching Brandon on how to put mayonnaise on bread. Wow, even I don't think Brandon is that much of a fucking moron. Brandon is eager to take off because his library books will be overdue soon and he'll be charged 10 cents. Per book! Do you see? Do you see how hardworking and responsible he is? DO YOU DAMN IT?! Nat does, he's gazing at him with love light in his eyes as he bids him farewell till the morrow.

Brandon drops off his books with a death gleam that comes to rest on James, the supposed illiterate, READING at a nearby table. Brandon stomps over and loudly demands to know just what in the Hell James thinks he's doing with all them books. James is like, you mean a dumb, black jock? Brandon: "I never said that!" Maybe not, but it's all in the tone, bub. Work on that. Even now, he's shaking his shoulders into his combat journalism pose as James informs him that he was not in fact recruited to play basketball. He's not in the program at all. His dad worked for the Beverly Hills library for 15 years so I guess he can go to whatever school he wants. Brandon doesn't know what to say. James: "Then why don't you try saying nothing." Yeah, keep dreaming those crazy dreams. James used to go to school in Inglewood (with Tyra?) but his parents wanted him to have more opportunity so they sent him to West Beverly 4 weeks into the semester. Brandon: "Sounds like what happened to me." Except, not at all. James is like, satisfied, rich white man? Brandon's not rich, y'all! He has a JOB. Also, no one tells either of them to shut the fuck up. In a library.

When Brandon returns home to his humble, not-at-all-rich-looking hovel he finds a detective there taking a report for his car. Jim tells Brandon not to worry about the car and to concentrate instead on tomorrow's tryouts. For whatever reason, this sets Brandon off: "What if I don't try out tomorrow? What if I just quit the team right now?" Could you maybe wait for the poor detective to leave before you throw your little pity party? He starts yelling at Jim that he assumed all this stuff about basketball and he never even asked! And you never said anything, so what the fuck? And other than being a short little weeny with delusions of athleticism, Jim hasn't really been so awful this episode. He's hardly the Great Santini.

Cindy brushes her fluffy hair and scolds Jim about annoying their son, "the natural athlete." Uh, if you say so. Even when she's being critical, she's still giving him a back rub. Grow some stones Cindy.

Brenda confesses to Brandon about the car and he goes off on her about her obsession with being cool and pleasing Kelly. Fair enough, I'd be fucking pissed too. Then Brenda goes on some tangent about a car accident she was in as a child and realizes that this is why she is great at everything she does except driving. And plucking her eyebrows. And modesty. Anyway, she is sorry about both the car and the team. Brandon's just got a lot of things on his mind... a lot of things. He has come to realize he's not as underprivileged and black as he believed he was this morning.

Now we're at the gym early in the morning with Brandon and Brandon's weird legs. Oh, and James. They play a little one on one and Brandon tells James he's got a "nice touch". Heh. He also does two very shocking things: he admits that he wanted James to be guilty so he'd have a better shot of making the team AND he confesses that race relations aren't really something he's dealt with before. My God, the writers and I are in agreement over Brandon's motives! I suddenly fell less alone in this world. Also, James' shirt has a bunch of racial slurs printed across the back of it and is kind of awesome.

Brenda tells her drivers' ed instructor about her emotional breakthrough. She's ready to head over to the lot and give her reflexes a work out! The instructor wonders if this means he's getting a hand job.

David and Scott. They exist.

Andrea asks Brandon what James said when he confronted him. He told Brandon not to be afraid to pop it in the perimeter. Um... butt sex? Everyone gets all nervous when the black players approach but Brandon's cool with them now. Also, Steve is still racist.

Walsh family BBQ. Brandon tells his dad he made the B team and he's sorry he didn't measure up. And yet another confession! Jim admits he only got to play in the big game because all the starters fouled out. And time slips away, leaving Jim with nothin' mister, 'cept boring stories ooooooof... oh, and Mondale's back! It was just towed! Hooray! I think everyone grew a little this week, don't you?

God, that was painful. Next time: let the regression begin.

"You just won't know until you do it."

Episode 3, "The First Time" aired 10/25/90.

Shirtless Brandon. Off putting? Yes, but merely a preview of the skin-baring horrors in store for us this episode. The twins are in their shared bathroom getting ready for bed while Brandon goes on a rant about the LA heat wave (it's November) and the air-quality index and the possibility of earthquakes. Suddenly Jim appears with the phone - it's Sheryl. Minneapolis Sheryl? Yeah, that one.

Brandon still hasn't put on a shirt as he talks to his old girlfriend in his room. He's shoving his hands in his pockets in a way that's drawing unnecessary attention to his crotchal region. Also, he's got his big watch on. Until it's proven otherwise, I will assume he wears an oversized watch at all times. Right now, it's just emphasizing the slimness of his arms. Jim, Cindy, and Brenda all spy annoyingly in the background as Brandon confirms that Sheryl's coming to visit tomorrow. Nice notice, you rude bitch.

At school, Andrea is wearing orange shorts that are tight around the v-jay and baggy everywhere else [They're like mom jeans to the nth degree. I think this is the worst outfit she's ever worn. And that's saying a lot - Will]. Brandon asks for a few days off from the paper for his ex-girlfriend's visit. Andrea does not, as you might expect, freak out like a jealous hag but she does dig for more info. Turns out Brandon dumped her before he moved because he doesn't believe in long distance relationships.

Brenda, Kelly, and Donna moon over their algebra teacher. Mullet alert!

Again with the random robot workshop. Dylan and Brandon talk about Sheryl's impending visit. Brandon thinks she's the total package: looks, personality, "realness". Dylan thinks he's just blinded by the fact that she's willing to touch his penis. Brandon's like, well, not so much.

Matt the algebra teacher asks Brenda to stay after class. She fantasizes that he's asking her to run away with him. He's actually just asking her to babysit for him and his wife. If she really wanted to sleep with him, I'm sure it wouldn't require too much persuasion.

Later in the day, Andrea heckles Brandon about Sheryl. Brandon gets all worked up and nervous because this is big chance to finally get some. He crashes into David in the hall and as they collect themselves, David introduces himself as "Steve Sanders' friend". Again, when the Hell did this happen? I guess the cologne sampling last episode elevated their relationship. David then begins a severely long story about his 8th grade summer camp girlfriend and how she was gonna come visit and he was all nervous and blah blah blah. First of all, he's wearing this huge white button-down with sharks printed all over it, it's weird. Second-0f-ly, is the whole school talking about Brandon's ex-girlfriend? Did DJ Mic MC announce her visit? Anyway, Brandon's like, what the fuck is the point of this ridiculous story?! Um, there isn't one, she never came.

When the twins arrive home, Sheryl is already there, talking with Cindy about the weather. What else would one discuss with Cindy? [No wonder Cindy likes her, she wears her pants almost as high as Cindy does - Will]. She's old looking and not attractive, but not exactly ugly. They move the party upstairs and in this new light... I take it back, she's ugly. They attempt to catch up via small talk but Brandon's like, screw this, let's make out. They are interrupted by Cindy, bearing fresh linens! I imagine they smell of cedar [Cindy, you suck so hard, and you have no butt - Will].

Sheryl is now in Brenda's room where she's supposed to sleep. The two girls gossip about Minneapolis and Brenda's algebra teacher. It's thrilling, believe me.

Cindy worries about Sheryl's sleeping arraignments.

Upstairs in the bathroom, Sheryl's stepping out of the shower in a towel as Brandon comes in, sans shirt yet again, and tells her to meet him in his room in one hour, "don't say no." She hesitates, saying she wants it to be special and he gets all whispery: "Trust me, right now this is special. You just won't know until you do it. Then you'll look back and realize how special it was." Gross. And how would you know, virgin?

Montage! Asleep: Jim and Brenda. Awake: Cindy, Brandon, and Sheryl. Cindy's eyes widen as she hears a door creak open. Sex alert! Sheryl and Brandon start making out as Cindy shakes Jim awake and tells him to listen. My God, Cindy! Please don't be trying to hear your son having relations! Jim's like, woman, let me sleep. Cindy doesn't think she'll be able to sleep knowing her son is doing it in the next room. That is horrifying. I don't think I'd physically be able to have sex within 10 miles of Jim and Cindy, let alone under the same roof.

The morning after. Brandon isn't really much for subtlety. He's blasting Big Band music and dancing around his room like a fucking retard. Wow, you put your penis into a vagina. Congrats on your extraordinary achievement. Cindy puts on her stern look and tells Jim he better have a talk with his son. In the kitchen, Brandon makes breakfast for the whole fam. Brenda smirks: she knows what time it is. Sheryl comes down and Brandon's like, wasn't I amazing? She changes the subject (guess not!) and says she wants to go see movie stars. Jim comes down to have the talk, but Brandon's like, I'm out big guy! Fresh OJ on the counter! I hate that Brandon calls his dad "big guy" in that condescending way of his. If Jim wasn't such a pussy, he'd let him know.

Beverly Hills! Shopping! Mansions! Cher's house!

Lunch at the Bel Age. Sheryl asks the waitress if there are any movie stars there. She's dumb. Brandon thinks it's just great that there finally having sex like everyone else. She's pretty non-responsive to that. Get a clue, Brando. I highly doubt those 20 seconds gave her much satisfaction. Dylan shows up and Brandon leaves for the bathroom. Again, Sheryl asks about movie stars so Dylan invites her to some exclusive club where she might see some. I'm surprised he's indulging her since he's all anti-Hollywood and shit. He tries to be a good wingman and tells Sheryl that Brandon thinks she's pretty special but she just gets kind of pissed off.

In Brenda's room, Sheryl asks about Dylan. Sheryl's feeling the McKay mojo - is no one immune? Meanwhile, Brenda gets dolled up for her babysitting gig with a peasant blouse and a chunky necklace. Hot!

Cindy tells Jim to have the damn talk. Jim just smirks.

Dylan arrives and Sheryl wants to ride in his cool car. Brandon gets stuck dropping his sister off while his best friend and his best girl ride off into the night. Brandon admits that he's worried about Sheryl and Dylan. Brenda's like, he does have a better car than you.

Babysitting gig. Matt's wife is a controlling nag and his kids are brats. He smiles apologetically like, sorry, my family's awful [It must be weird as a parent to realize that your children suck. You should probably just smother them with a pillow. Because if your kids suck that much now, they're gonna be huge dicks when they grow up, so you might as well end it now and do the world a favor - Will].

At the club, Brandon sneaks past the bouncer and nearly starts a riot at the door. Inside, he sees Dylan and Sheryl slow dancing. It's on! He thought Dylan was supposed to leave his name at the door, which Sheryl swears he did. Brandon thinks the bouncer must have a short memory. Or perhaps it is you with the short memory, since you didn't even give the guy your name, you just barged in. He demands that Dylan stop hitting on his girl, she's not interested. Dylan's like, first, I don't do uggos, so relax. Second, it was she who was hitting on me. Brandon punches him in the face. Dylan takes the high road and tells him he better deal with whatever the fuck his problem is. So he stomps over to Sheryl at the bar and tries to take her drink, "Don't you think you've had one too many?" As if one would have to be drunk to spurn him. She lets him know that he is, in fact, not the boss of her. And she really doesn't seem drunk. Brandon thinks they should be closer than ever, now that they've done it. But Sheryl's not that naive, because she's done it before. Say what? Brandon can't believe she made him wait forever and then jumped in the sack with some random right after they broke up [Nothing hits Brandon below the belt more than that. He's like "What? I didn't get to take your virginity? C'mon!" He's totally one of those guys, like, even in his 40s he'll go after virgins - Will]. He demands a name, or she can start packing. She's like, smell ya. Predictably, Brandon swats her drink off the bar.

Babysitting. The kids are bored [What?! Clue is the best game ever - Will]. Kelly and Donna stop by and are all, ew, children. Word.

Brandon exits the club to see Sheryl getting into a cab. He tries to chase after her but she's in a car and he's on foot, so it doesn't really work out for him.

The girls look at Matt's family photos. Matt and his wife come home early and she's pissed that there's two strangers looking through her stuff. Kelly gives Brenda a ride home and she realizes that Matt is neutered and pussy-whipped. She walks into her room and finds Cindy, probably looking for stained sheets. Sheryl's mom called, turns out she ran away from home.

The Bel Age. Brandon marches up to Dylans room. Sheryl is inside, puking in the toilet. Dylan's like, she's got issues dude. Talk it out. Note the lack of apology for the whole punch in the face thing. Brandon gets his dad face on and asks Sheryl if she wants to tell him what this is all about. She tells him that he never considered how his moving would impact her, as if he had a choice in the matter. She feels abandoned and now she has to deal with all her problems alone. Brandon's like, what problems? Well, a stepfather she hates, a mother who defends him, and a father who never calls her. Brandon actually smirks when he replies, "I never knew things were so bad." The fuck? She didn't want to burden him. He says he could've handled it. She spits back, "Well I couldn't, Brandon!" Wow, she really hates him. And yet, I still don't like her. She calms down and explains that she felt safe with him and the rest of the Walshes and now she doesn't have that anymore. Seeing him has only made it worse. They hug it out and Brandon decides they should order a whole bunch of ice cream. What a total chick. So they went out for a year and he didn't realize that she might have problems with her stepfather or her parents' divorce? Douche.

The rest of the Walshes are also enjoying some delicious ice cream. Cindy's explaining the whole runaway development and takes the time to let Brenda know her brother had sex. Lovely. Sheyrl and Brandon arrive and Sheryl goes to call her mom. Meanwhile, Brenda's can't believe that Cindy is so calm: "Everything Brandon does is fine! If this was me, you'd be freaking out!" True enough. Jim tries and fails once again to have that talk.

Brandon sulks in his room as Brenda comes in. He thought he knew her. He ignored her problems. He thought they were so close. Brenda says it's never too late. Brandon thinks real hard.

In the morning, Sheryl packs up. "Give me a couple of years," she tells Brandon. "I'll be back." No you won't, thank God. It's bad enough that Emily Valentine returns like ten times (as a shell of her formerly crazy self) for no reason. And you, Sheryl, are no Emily Valentine, although you are both ugly in sort of similar ways. Anyway, Brandon still wants to know who the devirginizer was. She tells him it doesn't matter, but it did make her realize one thing. And then she starts down the stairs. Brandon yells after her, "What? What did it make you realize?" "You, Brandon, are a wonderful lover." I doubt that very much. And ew. Brenda overhears this and looks at him like, you stud. Don't encourage him, please.

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHEEEEEEWWW!
Jim's chest hair! Jim's back hair! And Jim's SHOULDER HAIR! I've never seen such a display. It's all dark and thick and is covering his shoulder blades, running down to his elbows, WHO APPROVED THIS WARDROBE! We need sleeves immediately! [At least put him in a clean shirt so we can't see his sweat everywhere - Will]. He's shooting hoops with his son and attempting to give relationship advice: "Every relationship is special, you need to act responsibly." Brandon says he can tell Cindy they were careful. Jim smiles and is like, cool, wanna give me any details? ["Her vagina felt really warm." Like, what does he want him to say? - Will] Brandon doesn't kiss and tell, especially to his DAD. Jesus. And that's it. No big deal. Sex is fine, just use protection. Man, poor Brenda.

Next time: more basketball, less shoulder hair (I hope).

"They're just dudes... who use the premises."

Episode 2, "Every Dream has its Price" aired 10/18/90.

To the teeming millions who read this, I apologize for taking so long. Will and I have finally finished moving (apart) and we're ready to get back down to business. Today's Very Special Episode is about shoplifting. And Blossom hats.

On her own, pretending Cindy's beside her, or in front of her or whatever, Brenda practices convincing her mom to let her go horseback riding in Topenga Canyon. Brandon lounges on her bed and offers his critique, telling her she really needs to go for the mother nature angle. I've been watching A Few Good Men a lot lately, probably because it's always on, and I've noticed that whenever Brandon mimics another character he tends to sound like Tom Cruise's Jack Nicholson impersonation. Unfortunately, no one on this show eats breakfast 300 yards from 4,000 Cubans trained to kill them, so he needs to dial it back a little. His main advice? Don't mention money!

Doesn't really work since Cindy brings it up anyway. She's out in the garden, as is her wont. Brenda starts with the dramatics: "You know, I'm not anybody here. I have no clothes!" Cindy seems to think that what she's wearing (high-waisted linen pants, white shirt, blue blazer) fits the "clothing" definition. I remember being embarrassed when it finally dawned on me that other girls were making fun of my outfits (typically sweatpants and flannel shirts) but I'm pretty sure I didn't complain about it to my mother's face. First off, it was mainly due to my own crappy taste (looking at you Bren - not that there was good taste in 1990). Also my mom would've given me the smackdown, which is what Cindy should do when Brenda insults her fashion sense and Brandon chimes in with, "Yeah, Mrs. Greenjeans moves to Beverly Hills." Instead she just smiles and continues digging. She's not mad at them, she's mad at the dirt. A Spanish-speaking woman takes this opportunity to wander into the yard and report for duty as Cindy's maid. Oh, Heavens!

At the lockers, Brenda looks on jealously while Kelly cads about with an old friend of hers. Random Girl fills her in: Tiffany Morgan and Kelly used to be BFF back in the day. They talk about rich people things together and try on Blossom hats.

Casa Walsh. Cindy's on the phone with Jim, panicking about the maid situation. Jim's like, oh right, forgot to tell you, hope you don't mind. But she does mind because she used to have a job, and friends, and a life! It's charming that you still care at this point, Cindy, because you're never going to get any of those things back. Too bad there's no Red Hat Society she can join.

"'Les Miserables.' Sounds kind of miserable, doesn't it?" Good one Ms. Rye! The dudes in the class laugh uncomfortably because she's totally the Lucinda Nicholson prototype and they all have boners. This book has the works: sex, crime, hard cells, hard bodies. Like Oz, if Colm Wilkinson guest starred. Which he totally should have. Hell, they had Patti Lupone and half a dozen other aging Broadway stars on there. He would have made an interesting addition to the Aryans. Now I'm kind of pissed off. So yeah, anyway, Jean Valjean got 20 years for stealing bread. What does Tiff think of that sentence? "Let them eat cake." Doesn't really make any sense, but Ms. Rye thinks it's a valid way to illustrate that the denizens of the "golden ghetto" don't understand real need [She described Beverly Hills as "The Golden Ghetto"? She needs to be drowned - Will]. But Brenda thinks she does, you can tell. Bread, ugly clothes, same thing. As the class ends, she tries real hard to suck up to Tiff. DJ Mic MC is announcing a sale at some boutique and Brenda's about to admit defeat when Tiff invites her to come along, "No money, just fun."

Meanwhile, the good son is looking at a job posting board when Andrea comes bounding up. Brandon's getting a job so that he can pay for car insurance and so that he can pretend to be a working class hero [Right, this is when he becomes and honorary Mexican - Will]. Then they play this job hunting/rejection montage of Brandon in the big city which I'm pretty sure was originally set to 1930s movie noir jazz but which, in the DVD version, is set to some crappy garage punk. Finally, he meets with the owner of some upscale restaurant. She's about 40, is a total Jewish stereotype, and is also wearing a Blossom hat and a blazer. There's like five millions over-sized blazers, or what I consider to be blazers, in this episode. After a hang-dog routine by Brandon, he's hired. Let the boy walk your dog!

Apparently Tiff's idea of fun is discussing "inverted nipple trouble" while shopping. I sort of approve. For some reason, Steve is also in the store hanging out with David, seemingly of his own will. Random Girl tells Brenda that Kelly and Tiff had a major falling out over Steve. Brenda goes into the dressing room and tries on a really unflattering silk button down top. Don't steal that shit, it looks like ass on you. She's thinking about it, though. Meanwhile, Tiff really does steal a bunch of crap.

Cindy's back in the damn garden again when Ana shows up, still under the assumption that she's gonna get paid. She calls Jim, whose all what the fuck, I'm busy accountin' and shit, bitch. Solve your own damn problems.

Upstairs, Brenda feels her outfit is inadequate until she adds a blazer. And a fucking Blossom hat. Hey, was that a cities of the world skirt she had hanging up on her door? Like from the BSC?

At school, Brandon brags to Steve and Dylan about his new job. Of course, Dylan ate there on opening night: "Great cumin." Cumin is a spice, right? Not a dish? Just wanted to clarify that.

In Ms. Rye's class, Kelly and Tiff talk about slut stuff while Brenda asks Ms. Rye, "Who's more guilty, someone who didn't want to steal but had to or someone who wanted to but didn't?" Deep. But you rarely run into anyone who steals because they have to.

Cindy makes tea and prattles on nonsensically while Ana polishes silver.

After class, David creepily films the girls in the hallway. Tiff takes off her top to reveal a not very impressive rack. Kelly is so over this whore, but Brenda is still trying to be cool. She and Tiff make plans to shop while Kelly goes horseback riding with random girl.

Before they do that, they stop off at Casa Walsh. Cindy and Ana are crouched on the floor, scrubbing away. Tiff wants to know which ass belongs to Cindy, so she sticks it out to identify herself [I guess we know how it is in the Walsh bedroom - Will]. Tiff scoffs, "You'll never see my mom with a cleaning utensil in her hand... you'll never see my mom at all." Good, we have enough parents on this show as it is. Cindy makes a face, like, I can't believe this biznatch. Upstairs, Tiff calls Brenda's spacious bedroom "quaint." She also decides to stash the stolen goods in the closet.

At the restaurant Brandon is 15 minutes early, according to the old hooker that greets him by the back entrance. She wants Brandon's hands in tight places. Let's be honest, I'm sure those places aren't tight anymore.

Tiff thinks only Catherine the Great would pick a horse over shopping. Eh, not bad. She gives Brenda more dish on the Kelly situation. She feels like Kelly just got boring. Well, not until college, really.

Brandon is a bus boy. A disgruntled one at that. Especially when he finds out he's not getting a share of the tips. And it dawns on him that all his co-workers are immigrants. Except they have no accents. I guess all non-white people that work in kitchens are immigrants by Brandon's standards.

Elsewhere, Tiff shoplifts and gets caught. The shop girls think Brenda is in on it too.

At Casa Walsh, Jim sits on the couch while Cindy reads a letter from a friend back home [Are they drinking apple juice? God they suck - Will]. Cindy is nostalgic while Jim is all, screw those losers. Cindy is also concerned about Brenda's increasingly bratty attitude and her fast-living friends. Jim is like, shut up and give me a back rub. He sort of dismisses her concerns and they talk about how Cindy's dad dissaproved of Jim's "shifty bedroom eyes" when they started dating. Gross. I like how Jim thinks that he was such a badass as a youngster, the kind of guy you can't take home, when I'm sure Mr. Cindy's Dad was just ashamed to have his daughter dating such a weeny.

At the store, Brenda is in the midst of a major freak out [I've done no wrong! Sweet Jesus, hear my prayer!]. Tiffany's like, I did it for you, baby! All for you! Plus, shoplifting is the only thing that makes her feel alive. Maybe she should start doing more coke. She prepares to slut it up for the owner. Also, it's 9:25pm according to the clock in the background. How the fuck long were they shopping? How late do clothing stores stay open? Why do I care?

Jim bought Cindy a nice present... oh wait, it's an ugly tracksuit for himself. Cindy's pissed. Brandon comes in and flops dramatically on the couch because he worked for a few hours. Jim brags that he worked two jobs in high school [I guess we know where Brandon gets his one-upmanship from - Will]. Lunch monitor isn't a real job, Jim. Brandon changes the subject by impersonating his sister: "Hi, it's me. I'm at this really sweet movie and I met these two really cool guys and they're with my ex-friend's best friend!" Everyone laughs because they all think Brenda is stupid. Speaking of, Jim picks up the ringing phone to discover his daughter has been caught shoplifting. He immediately blames Cindy for letting her hang out with Tiff even though he didn't give a shit 10 minutes ago. In other (shocking!) news, Brandon actually sticks up for his sister!

Meanwhile, Tiff is getting them out of the whole predicament like a pro. Jim and Cindy arrive and Brenda starts in with the crying when she should really just be keeping her mouth shut. Jim's willing to forget it because he isn't in the mood for this parenting bullshit. Cindy, on the other hand, can't accept Brenda's innocence. And based on what a brat she is to her mom this episode, I have to side with Cindy on this one.

Yay! The power walk from the credits! Oh my God, they both look absurd. I know you're trying to spare your joints or whatnot but for Christ's sake, spare your dignity instead and jog. Jim is, once again, dismissive of the whole shoplifting thing. The only time it really pissed him off is when he had to get his ass off the couch to pick Brenda up. He thinks it's just a phase and cops to stealing a can-opener from JC Penney's as a kid. Wow, lame. Cindy jokes that she wants a divorce. Do it! Save yourself! I must say, it is rather odd to see Jim being so blase about one of Brenda's screw-ups. Suddenly, they run into Ana. She presents them with a casserole and tells them in carefully practiced English that she cooked them dinner. Aw, how nice! Jim and Cindy look at her like she has five heads. Be polite, you assholes!

Kelly's on the phone with Brenda, gossiping about Tiff and how she's a klepto and she stole Steve. Is that why they broke up? I'm sure that story is revised later on. Brandon comes in and Brenda tells him "we new kids in town sure get a raw deal." Ok, Ponyboy. They commiserate.

In the morning, Cindy's talking with the phone company. Brenda's in the background trying to get her 2 cents in about Kelly's car phone of all things. Keep your damn fool mouth shut Brenda! Your mother doesn't like you right now! Let her ignore you! Ana pops up, as she tends to do, with the stolen clothes Tiff stashed in Brenda's closet [And what have we here, little innocent sister?] Cindy's like, BUSTED!

A few moments later, Brenda takes a breath and gets her big-speech face on, complete with shaky, tear-filled voice: "Mom, if you'd really think that of me, you don't know who I am." Cindy doesn't know what she's supposed to think. For real! Brenda doesn't want to rat out Tiff, though God only knows why, it's not like she would care. Not that Cindy would believe her even if she did. Anyway, Cindy's still sympathetic for some reason and wants to talk it out but Brenda ruins the moment by saying she can't believe that her mom withholds money and then gets a maid. She ends the whole screech-fest by shouting "you don't know me at all!" and runs out as Cindy wails after her with an unhinged "Breeendaaa!" Bring me the axe!

Brandon's late for work and then has the nerve to correct his boss when she mispronounces his name as Brendan. Will no one teach these twins when and how to shut it? He sits down with some guy named Chang and gripes that he was 15 minutes early yesterday. Okay, but you know time doesn't work like that, right?

Brenda visits Tiff's place. She's tanning on the diving board out by the in-ground pool (and accompanying pool boys). Brenda's pissed that she had to cover for her, but Tiff doesn't see what the big deal is since Cindy's the "work it out" type [Why should I save her hide? Why should I right this wrong?]. True enough, but Brenda is not mollified, so Tiff tries the ol' poor me routine. See, her luxurious life is really just an optical illusion... there's nothing there. Except millions of dollars and lots of expensive material goods. Oh, and the dudes... who use the premises. Then she tells Brenda to go back to Minneapolis but looks longingly after her when she departs.

The Restaurant. The waitresses are lazy starfuckers and poor Brandon is so overworked. Plus the boss is all up in his face [Keep on cumin-stuffing 'til you drop, and go scrape those crumbs off the table!]. When one of the "immigrants" let's him know that they don't even make minimum wage, Brandon decides that this is the time to break free of his chains [You've given them half what the other men get, this handful of tin won't buy their sweat!]. The boss mispronounces his name again and he rips off his apron like a fucking superhero shouting, "The name's Brandon. Brandon Walsh! I'm an investigative reporter for the West Beverly High newspaper!" If the parents who read that paper find out about the mistreatment of the kitchen staff, they will no longer dine there [Empty chairs and empty tables, where Felice will eat no more]. Uh, sure. He then quotes MLK, because they are soul-twins, and leaves. Here's the thing, it was a crappy food service job with a bitchy boss and bad pay so naturally he didn't like it. But rather than admit that he couldn't hack it, he pretends like it was the injustice visited upon the lowly brown people in the kitchen that forced him to quit lest he sully his conscience. And I'm pretty sure he never writes that article.

Our very first visit to the Peach Pit. Dylan introduces Brandon and Nat. They bond over having jobs. Wait, he's 17 and he's just now starting his first job? And I'm supposed to be impressed by his work ethic? Anyways, Nat hires him, obvy.

And now for the Very Special part of this Very Special episode. Tiff stops by and admits to stealing the clothes in a bid for her parents' attention. Cindy tries her magical parenting faces but Tiff is surprisingly resistant. Cindy tells her, "maybe you're not as bad as you wanna be." Because she totally loves Dennis Rodman. Anyway, the important thing is that Brenda didn't steal and we never see Tiff again.

Family time! Brandon comes home yammering about his goddamn job again. Brenda tells them she finished Les Miserables and is working on her essay. Brandon grabs it and starts reading it out loud. I regret to inform you that it is even worse than Brandon's essay from last time:

"Jean Valjean stole for hunger. Others steal for a different kind of hunger. There's the hunger to belong. Many of us have had the urge but Jean Valjean acted on his impulses. There's emotional hunger - those people need understanding. They can show greatness and not let other people take the rap. There are all kinds of hunger."

Jim thinks his hunger is the biggest of them all! So they all eat Ana's food.

Next time, Brandon experiences the ultimate.