"Aren't you a little short?"

Episode 4, "One on One" aired 11/1/90.

Apparently one person reads this. So Robyn, this one's for you. I was gonna update this sooner but the thing is, I actually have to get up from my bed to switch from cable to DVD and what am I, some kind of hero? Also, this episode sucks balls (appropriately enough).

Basketball porn. Slo-mo shots of balls going into hoops and Jim Walsh doing his best "aww, yeah" nod as his son shoots and scores [If you need an explanation of why Jim sucks, just watch this scene, it sums up everything - Will]. He has some rather pungent looking pit stains but I won't complain since he is at least wearing sleeves. It's so cute, Jim thinks his midget son is going to make the varsity team!

Meanwhile, over in the B plot, Brenda is whining that she needs her own car because Brandon is always running late. But first she needs a license. Ah yes, the comedy goldmine that is drivers' ed!

At school, Brenda spots Kelly and Donna passing and sprints over in a panic, primping her bangs, in order to have a seemingly casual encounter that goes like this:

Kelly: So... Brenda.
Brenda: So... late.
Kelly: So... you?
Brenda: So... cute!
Kelly: So... thanks.
Brenda: So... byee!
Kelly: Byee!

Andrea and Brandon overhear and make the expected derogatory remarks. Brandon informs Andrea that he's not covering the basketball tryouts because he is, in fact, trying out. Andrea: "Aren't you a little short?" Ha!

Steve and Brandon wait on the bench while a bunch of tall people play. Steve thinks he's a lock for varsity. He also thinks Brandon's a little short. Preach it!

Brenda fantasizes about being a race car driver. In reality, she's registering for her fourth attempt at driver's training. She's also wearing this flow western style skirt that I sadly owned back in junior high. I believe I wore it to my hometown's bean hole supper and square dance, held annually at the firehouse parking lot. How's that for folksy, Cindy? Can you top that with your Minnesota and your gardening and your homemade whatsis? The gauntlet has been thrown.

Back at basketball tryouts, Steve kind of sucks. I always thought he made more sense as a jock than Brandon but Brandon has to be the best at everything, even if his 5-foot ass looks ridiculous running around the gym with a bunch of normal sized people. There's really something about Jason Priestley's body, it's just off. He's like Saffy: how does he do that to clothes? A simple t-shirt hangs on him in such a weird way, even on the off chance that he doesn't have the sleeves rolled up. Plus, the height of his sneakers makes his legs look especially short and skinny. The coach compliments his hustle and he gets all cocky. Whatevs, you and your high-tops still look goofy.

Brenda drives around in a parking lot.

Coach Reilly posts the first cut. Brandon makes it, Steve doesn't. Steve pissily tells Brandon that's all well and good, but he definitely won't be making the next round. Brandon goes into Blaze mode and demands to know just what in the Hell Steve is talking about. Steve explains the Applied Learning Opportunity Program, the minority academic enrichment program that basically recruits a bunch of tall black dudes for the team. It makes Steve sick that they're getting a free ride, while he works his ass off to have his parents be rich and live in the school district. Brandon turns around and glances suspiciously at the gathering darkness in the doorway.

We got to and exterior shot of the early Peach Pit where Brandon picks up his check and runs into James, one of the aforementioned black dudes trying out for the team. Brandon wishes him good luck and James tries real hard not to laugh in his wee little face. Luckily, all of James' off camera friends don't try at all.

The Walsh dinner table. Jim wears a gangsta wool cardigan and tells a discouraged Brandon that winning is a state of mind, "If you have the tools, and the guts, and the desire, you can meet any challenge and accomplish any goal." Well, yes, Brandon is a tool. But a very short and scrawny tool. I'm not saying you have to be 6'6'' to play basketball but be real with yourself for once Jim, he came from your gene pool. Kelly, who has joined us for the evening, looks bemused while Brenda can take no more of her father's cliches and snits off to her room, just in time to avoid clearing the table.

Upstairs, Kelly tries to convince Brenda to go on a double date with some guy named Kenny, who apparently describes his male friends with words like "delectable". According to Kelly, Kenny is weird and obnoxious but her smirk indicates that he knows how to please the ladies, depsite his descriptive appraisals of same-gendered companions [This smirk is great because it's like, "well he had a big dick and I loved it." It infuriates me later that she's like, "I was unfairly labeled a slut!" - Will] Brenda resists even after Kelly informs her that she's turning down Janet Jackson and a limo. Front row seats! To "Nasty"! You lie to your parents for Dylan but not for this? For shame, Brenda. Kelly rolls her eyes and goes to the bathroom to spy on Brandon. He's doing a little NBA roll playing with his hamper and some dirty socks. Also you can FULLY see his ass crack and his penis outlined in these droopy cutoff sweats he's wearing. Dear Lord, the horrible things I have seen on this show. And it's only the fifth episode! Kelly thinks it's cute. Kelly, do yourself a favor and go fuck this Kenny person immediately before you find yourself allowing Brandon to hump your leg and whisper sweet coaching platitudes in your ear.

At school, we are treated to a highly unnecessary scene of David attempting to tell people that he was out with the flu in case, by some miracle, he was missed. He was not. Steve runs into Brandon and tells him about last night's Lakers/Celtics game. He rather obviously implies that he rooted for the Celtics because Larry Bird is white but Brandon refuses to catch on because he, like Stephen Colbert, is truly colorblind, even when he looks in the mirror.

We return once again to the random tech/robot lab being conducted without any apparent supervision... oh wait! A teacher! Praising Brandon! It's good of her to show up to do something important like that. James, the alleged basketball draftee, also shows up to get and extension on his assignment. Brandon says he didn't even know James was taking tech. James explains that he's new and therefore not quite on schedule with his classes. Brandon thinks real hard: the wheels of his own personal justice begin their slow and steady turn...

...So he immediately goes and snitches to Andrea, who is less than receptive and rightfully questions Steve Sanders' credibility as a source. Brandon claims that all the applied learning program does is cater to a bunch of jocks who probably can't spell their own names. Yet again, he only cares because these jocks are taking his varsity spot. And for once, Andrea pretty much has his number. Brandon asks her to write the story since it's a conflict of interest for him. Andrea: "Only if you make the team, which rumor has it is less than a sure thing." What the fuck, Andrea? You're making me love you. Brandon says, in that case, everyone will think it's sour grapes. Andrea: "Is it?" Shit, she's owning you, son! She reminds him she also lives out of district and has good reason not to draw attention to the issue. Brandon claims it's not about geography. True enough, she replies, it's about race. Actually, it's about Brandon being short, as you already pointed out. He accuses her of being too lazy to do the legwork on a "killer story". And just like that, she caves. Oh Andrea, what of our love? Gone, alas, like your youth, too soon.

More driver's ed. Brenda crashes into Henry Winkler.

At round two of tryouts, no one will pass the ball to Brandon. Then his dad shows up in full accountant attire and I actually... kind of... feel bad for the kid? Is that okay? Even more so when Jim's arrival distracts him from playing defense and he gets scored on, prompting coach Reilly to yell "get in the game, Walsh!" Jim offers pointless gestures from the sidelines so as to lay claim to some portion of his son's achievement. Just leave for Chrissakes! He is the only spectator there. Could he possibly think this will help his son's confidence? Brandon makes a shot and Jim dorks out with some fist pump action, right as Brandon gets knocked on his ass. Look here, scene, I should be allowed to enjoy the physical humiliation of Brandon without Jim smugging it up in the background, making me all sympathetic and shit.

After practice, Jim's waiting outside to inform his son that he made the cut! Coach Reilly is impressed with his hustle! Go team Walsh! Andrea beckons Brandon over and I hate her again. She's so very excited to tell Brandon that this James kid isn't even enrolled in the applied learning program, so this must mean that he totally doesn't even go to school at all. Andrea offers to talk to James, but Brandon thinks he should do it. Because he has such a delicate touch.

Hoo boy, here we go. Brandon marches up and James sincerely apologizes for the foul at practice, saying his boys were just looking out for the new kid. But Brando is already in attack mode: "Lot of people looking out for you, aren't there James?" He continues the recruitment accusation with this God awful sneer on his righteous mug. Can he not just ask a polite question in a normal tone of voice? So far, it seems as though he's modeled his journalism tactics on Fox's shame reports. Flies and honey, my son. Think on it. Anyway he's all, you can't read bitch! The truth will come out! James leaves before he is forced to visit several felonies upon this douchebag and I remind myself that letting a round go at the TV will only leave me alone and friendless while Brandon Walsh will continue to live on and prosper in reruns.

Morning has broken at Casa Walsh and Brenda warns her brother that their father has once again unearthed his yearbook. Sure enough, there's Jim, just sitting back trying to recapture a little of the glory of the time he nailed a shot at the buzzer to win the big championship game. To which I say, you, sir, are a liar. Or is that his kindergarten yearbook? It's the night before the final tryouts and Brandon's working the late shift at The Pit, which concerns Jim. Jim lets on that he might be willing to pay for Brandon's car insurance if he makes the team. Cindy, in an off the shoulder cocktail dress, clutches her pearls at this suggestion of bribery. Brandon is pensive.

That night, Kelly calls Brenda and begs for rescue. Janet canceled and Kenny puked all over the limo, which was "molto gross"! Brenda resists until Kelly needles her with "you're my best friend". Brenda relents because she has no dignity. She also has no license and no car but she seems to think it will be no problem for her to jack Mondale for the evening. I foresee much hilarity coming from this turn of events! Like this awkward pep-talk Brenda is giving herself as she navigates the streets of LA. She's a good driver! She's a great driver! She's a terrific driver! And she's... out of gas. The illicit guitar is mildly amused by this. She takes herself and her rockin' white high-tops over to the nearest gas station where an amicable gentleman is happy to fill her tank (no, not like that) on good-faith alone. But alas, Mondale has disappeared into the night. See? Hilarity!

Over at The Pit, Nat is coaching Brandon on how to put mayonnaise on bread. Wow, even I don't think Brandon is that much of a fucking moron. Brandon is eager to take off because his library books will be overdue soon and he'll be charged 10 cents. Per book! Do you see? Do you see how hardworking and responsible he is? DO YOU DAMN IT?! Nat does, he's gazing at him with love light in his eyes as he bids him farewell till the morrow.

Brandon drops off his books with a death gleam that comes to rest on James, the supposed illiterate, READING at a nearby table. Brandon stomps over and loudly demands to know just what in the Hell James thinks he's doing with all them books. James is like, you mean a dumb, black jock? Brandon: "I never said that!" Maybe not, but it's all in the tone, bub. Work on that. Even now, he's shaking his shoulders into his combat journalism pose as James informs him that he was not in fact recruited to play basketball. He's not in the program at all. His dad worked for the Beverly Hills library for 15 years so I guess he can go to whatever school he wants. Brandon doesn't know what to say. James: "Then why don't you try saying nothing." Yeah, keep dreaming those crazy dreams. James used to go to school in Inglewood (with Tyra?) but his parents wanted him to have more opportunity so they sent him to West Beverly 4 weeks into the semester. Brandon: "Sounds like what happened to me." Except, not at all. James is like, satisfied, rich white man? Brandon's not rich, y'all! He has a JOB. Also, no one tells either of them to shut the fuck up. In a library.

When Brandon returns home to his humble, not-at-all-rich-looking hovel he finds a detective there taking a report for his car. Jim tells Brandon not to worry about the car and to concentrate instead on tomorrow's tryouts. For whatever reason, this sets Brandon off: "What if I don't try out tomorrow? What if I just quit the team right now?" Could you maybe wait for the poor detective to leave before you throw your little pity party? He starts yelling at Jim that he assumed all this stuff about basketball and he never even asked! And you never said anything, so what the fuck? And other than being a short little weeny with delusions of athleticism, Jim hasn't really been so awful this episode. He's hardly the Great Santini.

Cindy brushes her fluffy hair and scolds Jim about annoying their son, "the natural athlete." Uh, if you say so. Even when she's being critical, she's still giving him a back rub. Grow some stones Cindy.

Brenda confesses to Brandon about the car and he goes off on her about her obsession with being cool and pleasing Kelly. Fair enough, I'd be fucking pissed too. Then Brenda goes on some tangent about a car accident she was in as a child and realizes that this is why she is great at everything she does except driving. And plucking her eyebrows. And modesty. Anyway, she is sorry about both the car and the team. Brandon's just got a lot of things on his mind... a lot of things. He has come to realize he's not as underprivileged and black as he believed he was this morning.

Now we're at the gym early in the morning with Brandon and Brandon's weird legs. Oh, and James. They play a little one on one and Brandon tells James he's got a "nice touch". Heh. He also does two very shocking things: he admits that he wanted James to be guilty so he'd have a better shot of making the team AND he confesses that race relations aren't really something he's dealt with before. My God, the writers and I are in agreement over Brandon's motives! I suddenly fell less alone in this world. Also, James' shirt has a bunch of racial slurs printed across the back of it and is kind of awesome.

Brenda tells her drivers' ed instructor about her emotional breakthrough. She's ready to head over to the lot and give her reflexes a work out! The instructor wonders if this means he's getting a hand job.

David and Scott. They exist.

Andrea asks Brandon what James said when he confronted him. He told Brandon not to be afraid to pop it in the perimeter. Um... butt sex? Everyone gets all nervous when the black players approach but Brandon's cool with them now. Also, Steve is still racist.

Walsh family BBQ. Brandon tells his dad he made the B team and he's sorry he didn't measure up. And yet another confession! Jim admits he only got to play in the big game because all the starters fouled out. And time slips away, leaving Jim with nothin' mister, 'cept boring stories ooooooof... oh, and Mondale's back! It was just towed! Hooray! I think everyone grew a little this week, don't you?

God, that was painful. Next time: let the regression begin.

"You just won't know until you do it."

Episode 3, "The First Time" aired 10/25/90.

Shirtless Brandon. Off putting? Yes, but merely a preview of the skin-baring horrors in store for us this episode. The twins are in their shared bathroom getting ready for bed while Brandon goes on a rant about the LA heat wave (it's November) and the air-quality index and the possibility of earthquakes. Suddenly Jim appears with the phone - it's Sheryl. Minneapolis Sheryl? Yeah, that one.

Brandon still hasn't put on a shirt as he talks to his old girlfriend in his room. He's shoving his hands in his pockets in a way that's drawing unnecessary attention to his crotchal region. Also, he's got his big watch on. Until it's proven otherwise, I will assume he wears an oversized watch at all times. Right now, it's just emphasizing the slimness of his arms. Jim, Cindy, and Brenda all spy annoyingly in the background as Brandon confirms that Sheryl's coming to visit tomorrow. Nice notice, you rude bitch.

At school, Andrea is wearing orange shorts that are tight around the v-jay and baggy everywhere else [They're like mom jeans to the nth degree. I think this is the worst outfit she's ever worn. And that's saying a lot - Will]. Brandon asks for a few days off from the paper for his ex-girlfriend's visit. Andrea does not, as you might expect, freak out like a jealous hag but she does dig for more info. Turns out Brandon dumped her before he moved because he doesn't believe in long distance relationships.

Brenda, Kelly, and Donna moon over their algebra teacher. Mullet alert!

Again with the random robot workshop. Dylan and Brandon talk about Sheryl's impending visit. Brandon thinks she's the total package: looks, personality, "realness". Dylan thinks he's just blinded by the fact that she's willing to touch his penis. Brandon's like, well, not so much.

Matt the algebra teacher asks Brenda to stay after class. She fantasizes that he's asking her to run away with him. He's actually just asking her to babysit for him and his wife. If she really wanted to sleep with him, I'm sure it wouldn't require too much persuasion.

Later in the day, Andrea heckles Brandon about Sheryl. Brandon gets all worked up and nervous because this is big chance to finally get some. He crashes into David in the hall and as they collect themselves, David introduces himself as "Steve Sanders' friend". Again, when the Hell did this happen? I guess the cologne sampling last episode elevated their relationship. David then begins a severely long story about his 8th grade summer camp girlfriend and how she was gonna come visit and he was all nervous and blah blah blah. First of all, he's wearing this huge white button-down with sharks printed all over it, it's weird. Second-0f-ly, is the whole school talking about Brandon's ex-girlfriend? Did DJ Mic MC announce her visit? Anyway, Brandon's like, what the fuck is the point of this ridiculous story?! Um, there isn't one, she never came.

When the twins arrive home, Sheryl is already there, talking with Cindy about the weather. What else would one discuss with Cindy? [No wonder Cindy likes her, she wears her pants almost as high as Cindy does - Will]. She's old looking and not attractive, but not exactly ugly. They move the party upstairs and in this new light... I take it back, she's ugly. They attempt to catch up via small talk but Brandon's like, screw this, let's make out. They are interrupted by Cindy, bearing fresh linens! I imagine they smell of cedar [Cindy, you suck so hard, and you have no butt - Will].

Sheryl is now in Brenda's room where she's supposed to sleep. The two girls gossip about Minneapolis and Brenda's algebra teacher. It's thrilling, believe me.

Cindy worries about Sheryl's sleeping arraignments.

Upstairs in the bathroom, Sheryl's stepping out of the shower in a towel as Brandon comes in, sans shirt yet again, and tells her to meet him in his room in one hour, "don't say no." She hesitates, saying she wants it to be special and he gets all whispery: "Trust me, right now this is special. You just won't know until you do it. Then you'll look back and realize how special it was." Gross. And how would you know, virgin?

Montage! Asleep: Jim and Brenda. Awake: Cindy, Brandon, and Sheryl. Cindy's eyes widen as she hears a door creak open. Sex alert! Sheryl and Brandon start making out as Cindy shakes Jim awake and tells him to listen. My God, Cindy! Please don't be trying to hear your son having relations! Jim's like, woman, let me sleep. Cindy doesn't think she'll be able to sleep knowing her son is doing it in the next room. That is horrifying. I don't think I'd physically be able to have sex within 10 miles of Jim and Cindy, let alone under the same roof.

The morning after. Brandon isn't really much for subtlety. He's blasting Big Band music and dancing around his room like a fucking retard. Wow, you put your penis into a vagina. Congrats on your extraordinary achievement. Cindy puts on her stern look and tells Jim he better have a talk with his son. In the kitchen, Brandon makes breakfast for the whole fam. Brenda smirks: she knows what time it is. Sheryl comes down and Brandon's like, wasn't I amazing? She changes the subject (guess not!) and says she wants to go see movie stars. Jim comes down to have the talk, but Brandon's like, I'm out big guy! Fresh OJ on the counter! I hate that Brandon calls his dad "big guy" in that condescending way of his. If Jim wasn't such a pussy, he'd let him know.

Beverly Hills! Shopping! Mansions! Cher's house!

Lunch at the Bel Age. Sheryl asks the waitress if there are any movie stars there. She's dumb. Brandon thinks it's just great that there finally having sex like everyone else. She's pretty non-responsive to that. Get a clue, Brando. I highly doubt those 20 seconds gave her much satisfaction. Dylan shows up and Brandon leaves for the bathroom. Again, Sheryl asks about movie stars so Dylan invites her to some exclusive club where she might see some. I'm surprised he's indulging her since he's all anti-Hollywood and shit. He tries to be a good wingman and tells Sheryl that Brandon thinks she's pretty special but she just gets kind of pissed off.

In Brenda's room, Sheryl asks about Dylan. Sheryl's feeling the McKay mojo - is no one immune? Meanwhile, Brenda gets dolled up for her babysitting gig with a peasant blouse and a chunky necklace. Hot!

Cindy tells Jim to have the damn talk. Jim just smirks.

Dylan arrives and Sheryl wants to ride in his cool car. Brandon gets stuck dropping his sister off while his best friend and his best girl ride off into the night. Brandon admits that he's worried about Sheryl and Dylan. Brenda's like, he does have a better car than you.

Babysitting gig. Matt's wife is a controlling nag and his kids are brats. He smiles apologetically like, sorry, my family's awful [It must be weird as a parent to realize that your children suck. You should probably just smother them with a pillow. Because if your kids suck that much now, they're gonna be huge dicks when they grow up, so you might as well end it now and do the world a favor - Will].

At the club, Brandon sneaks past the bouncer and nearly starts a riot at the door. Inside, he sees Dylan and Sheryl slow dancing. It's on! He thought Dylan was supposed to leave his name at the door, which Sheryl swears he did. Brandon thinks the bouncer must have a short memory. Or perhaps it is you with the short memory, since you didn't even give the guy your name, you just barged in. He demands that Dylan stop hitting on his girl, she's not interested. Dylan's like, first, I don't do uggos, so relax. Second, it was she who was hitting on me. Brandon punches him in the face. Dylan takes the high road and tells him he better deal with whatever the fuck his problem is. So he stomps over to Sheryl at the bar and tries to take her drink, "Don't you think you've had one too many?" As if one would have to be drunk to spurn him. She lets him know that he is, in fact, not the boss of her. And she really doesn't seem drunk. Brandon thinks they should be closer than ever, now that they've done it. But Sheryl's not that naive, because she's done it before. Say what? Brandon can't believe she made him wait forever and then jumped in the sack with some random right after they broke up [Nothing hits Brandon below the belt more than that. He's like "What? I didn't get to take your virginity? C'mon!" He's totally one of those guys, like, even in his 40s he'll go after virgins - Will]. He demands a name, or she can start packing. She's like, smell ya. Predictably, Brandon swats her drink off the bar.

Babysitting. The kids are bored [What?! Clue is the best game ever - Will]. Kelly and Donna stop by and are all, ew, children. Word.

Brandon exits the club to see Sheryl getting into a cab. He tries to chase after her but she's in a car and he's on foot, so it doesn't really work out for him.

The girls look at Matt's family photos. Matt and his wife come home early and she's pissed that there's two strangers looking through her stuff. Kelly gives Brenda a ride home and she realizes that Matt is neutered and pussy-whipped. She walks into her room and finds Cindy, probably looking for stained sheets. Sheryl's mom called, turns out she ran away from home.

The Bel Age. Brandon marches up to Dylans room. Sheryl is inside, puking in the toilet. Dylan's like, she's got issues dude. Talk it out. Note the lack of apology for the whole punch in the face thing. Brandon gets his dad face on and asks Sheryl if she wants to tell him what this is all about. She tells him that he never considered how his moving would impact her, as if he had a choice in the matter. She feels abandoned and now she has to deal with all her problems alone. Brandon's like, what problems? Well, a stepfather she hates, a mother who defends him, and a father who never calls her. Brandon actually smirks when he replies, "I never knew things were so bad." The fuck? She didn't want to burden him. He says he could've handled it. She spits back, "Well I couldn't, Brandon!" Wow, she really hates him. And yet, I still don't like her. She calms down and explains that she felt safe with him and the rest of the Walshes and now she doesn't have that anymore. Seeing him has only made it worse. They hug it out and Brandon decides they should order a whole bunch of ice cream. What a total chick. So they went out for a year and he didn't realize that she might have problems with her stepfather or her parents' divorce? Douche.

The rest of the Walshes are also enjoying some delicious ice cream. Cindy's explaining the whole runaway development and takes the time to let Brenda know her brother had sex. Lovely. Sheyrl and Brandon arrive and Sheryl goes to call her mom. Meanwhile, Brenda's can't believe that Cindy is so calm: "Everything Brandon does is fine! If this was me, you'd be freaking out!" True enough. Jim tries and fails once again to have that talk.

Brandon sulks in his room as Brenda comes in. He thought he knew her. He ignored her problems. He thought they were so close. Brenda says it's never too late. Brandon thinks real hard.

In the morning, Sheryl packs up. "Give me a couple of years," she tells Brandon. "I'll be back." No you won't, thank God. It's bad enough that Emily Valentine returns like ten times (as a shell of her formerly crazy self) for no reason. And you, Sheryl, are no Emily Valentine, although you are both ugly in sort of similar ways. Anyway, Brandon still wants to know who the devirginizer was. She tells him it doesn't matter, but it did make her realize one thing. And then she starts down the stairs. Brandon yells after her, "What? What did it make you realize?" "You, Brandon, are a wonderful lover." I doubt that very much. And ew. Brenda overhears this and looks at him like, you stud. Don't encourage him, please.

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHEEEEEEWWW!
Jim's chest hair! Jim's back hair! And Jim's SHOULDER HAIR! I've never seen such a display. It's all dark and thick and is covering his shoulder blades, running down to his elbows, WHO APPROVED THIS WARDROBE! We need sleeves immediately! [At least put him in a clean shirt so we can't see his sweat everywhere - Will]. He's shooting hoops with his son and attempting to give relationship advice: "Every relationship is special, you need to act responsibly." Brandon says he can tell Cindy they were careful. Jim smiles and is like, cool, wanna give me any details? ["Her vagina felt really warm." Like, what does he want him to say? - Will] Brandon doesn't kiss and tell, especially to his DAD. Jesus. And that's it. No big deal. Sex is fine, just use protection. Man, poor Brenda.

Next time: more basketball, less shoulder hair (I hope).

"They're just dudes... who use the premises."

Episode 2, "Every Dream has its Price" aired 10/18/90.

To the teeming millions who read this, I apologize for taking so long. Will and I have finally finished moving (apart) and we're ready to get back down to business. Today's Very Special Episode is about shoplifting. And Blossom hats.

On her own, pretending Cindy's beside her, or in front of her or whatever, Brenda practices convincing her mom to let her go horseback riding in Topenga Canyon. Brandon lounges on her bed and offers his critique, telling her she really needs to go for the mother nature angle. I've been watching A Few Good Men a lot lately, probably because it's always on, and I've noticed that whenever Brandon mimics another character he tends to sound like Tom Cruise's Jack Nicholson impersonation. Unfortunately, no one on this show eats breakfast 300 yards from 4,000 Cubans trained to kill them, so he needs to dial it back a little. His main advice? Don't mention money!

Doesn't really work since Cindy brings it up anyway. She's out in the garden, as is her wont. Brenda starts with the dramatics: "You know, I'm not anybody here. I have no clothes!" Cindy seems to think that what she's wearing (high-waisted linen pants, white shirt, blue blazer) fits the "clothing" definition. I remember being embarrassed when it finally dawned on me that other girls were making fun of my outfits (typically sweatpants and flannel shirts) but I'm pretty sure I didn't complain about it to my mother's face. First off, it was mainly due to my own crappy taste (looking at you Bren - not that there was good taste in 1990). Also my mom would've given me the smackdown, which is what Cindy should do when Brenda insults her fashion sense and Brandon chimes in with, "Yeah, Mrs. Greenjeans moves to Beverly Hills." Instead she just smiles and continues digging. She's not mad at them, she's mad at the dirt. A Spanish-speaking woman takes this opportunity to wander into the yard and report for duty as Cindy's maid. Oh, Heavens!

At the lockers, Brenda looks on jealously while Kelly cads about with an old friend of hers. Random Girl fills her in: Tiffany Morgan and Kelly used to be BFF back in the day. They talk about rich people things together and try on Blossom hats.

Casa Walsh. Cindy's on the phone with Jim, panicking about the maid situation. Jim's like, oh right, forgot to tell you, hope you don't mind. But she does mind because she used to have a job, and friends, and a life! It's charming that you still care at this point, Cindy, because you're never going to get any of those things back. Too bad there's no Red Hat Society she can join.

"'Les Miserables.' Sounds kind of miserable, doesn't it?" Good one Ms. Rye! The dudes in the class laugh uncomfortably because she's totally the Lucinda Nicholson prototype and they all have boners. This book has the works: sex, crime, hard cells, hard bodies. Like Oz, if Colm Wilkinson guest starred. Which he totally should have. Hell, they had Patti Lupone and half a dozen other aging Broadway stars on there. He would have made an interesting addition to the Aryans. Now I'm kind of pissed off. So yeah, anyway, Jean Valjean got 20 years for stealing bread. What does Tiff think of that sentence? "Let them eat cake." Doesn't really make any sense, but Ms. Rye thinks it's a valid way to illustrate that the denizens of the "golden ghetto" don't understand real need [She described Beverly Hills as "The Golden Ghetto"? She needs to be drowned - Will]. But Brenda thinks she does, you can tell. Bread, ugly clothes, same thing. As the class ends, she tries real hard to suck up to Tiff. DJ Mic MC is announcing a sale at some boutique and Brenda's about to admit defeat when Tiff invites her to come along, "No money, just fun."

Meanwhile, the good son is looking at a job posting board when Andrea comes bounding up. Brandon's getting a job so that he can pay for car insurance and so that he can pretend to be a working class hero [Right, this is when he becomes and honorary Mexican - Will]. Then they play this job hunting/rejection montage of Brandon in the big city which I'm pretty sure was originally set to 1930s movie noir jazz but which, in the DVD version, is set to some crappy garage punk. Finally, he meets with the owner of some upscale restaurant. She's about 40, is a total Jewish stereotype, and is also wearing a Blossom hat and a blazer. There's like five millions over-sized blazers, or what I consider to be blazers, in this episode. After a hang-dog routine by Brandon, he's hired. Let the boy walk your dog!

Apparently Tiff's idea of fun is discussing "inverted nipple trouble" while shopping. I sort of approve. For some reason, Steve is also in the store hanging out with David, seemingly of his own will. Random Girl tells Brenda that Kelly and Tiff had a major falling out over Steve. Brenda goes into the dressing room and tries on a really unflattering silk button down top. Don't steal that shit, it looks like ass on you. She's thinking about it, though. Meanwhile, Tiff really does steal a bunch of crap.

Cindy's back in the damn garden again when Ana shows up, still under the assumption that she's gonna get paid. She calls Jim, whose all what the fuck, I'm busy accountin' and shit, bitch. Solve your own damn problems.

Upstairs, Brenda feels her outfit is inadequate until she adds a blazer. And a fucking Blossom hat. Hey, was that a cities of the world skirt she had hanging up on her door? Like from the BSC?

At school, Brandon brags to Steve and Dylan about his new job. Of course, Dylan ate there on opening night: "Great cumin." Cumin is a spice, right? Not a dish? Just wanted to clarify that.

In Ms. Rye's class, Kelly and Tiff talk about slut stuff while Brenda asks Ms. Rye, "Who's more guilty, someone who didn't want to steal but had to or someone who wanted to but didn't?" Deep. But you rarely run into anyone who steals because they have to.

Cindy makes tea and prattles on nonsensically while Ana polishes silver.

After class, David creepily films the girls in the hallway. Tiff takes off her top to reveal a not very impressive rack. Kelly is so over this whore, but Brenda is still trying to be cool. She and Tiff make plans to shop while Kelly goes horseback riding with random girl.

Before they do that, they stop off at Casa Walsh. Cindy and Ana are crouched on the floor, scrubbing away. Tiff wants to know which ass belongs to Cindy, so she sticks it out to identify herself [I guess we know how it is in the Walsh bedroom - Will]. Tiff scoffs, "You'll never see my mom with a cleaning utensil in her hand... you'll never see my mom at all." Good, we have enough parents on this show as it is. Cindy makes a face, like, I can't believe this biznatch. Upstairs, Tiff calls Brenda's spacious bedroom "quaint." She also decides to stash the stolen goods in the closet.

At the restaurant Brandon is 15 minutes early, according to the old hooker that greets him by the back entrance. She wants Brandon's hands in tight places. Let's be honest, I'm sure those places aren't tight anymore.

Tiff thinks only Catherine the Great would pick a horse over shopping. Eh, not bad. She gives Brenda more dish on the Kelly situation. She feels like Kelly just got boring. Well, not until college, really.

Brandon is a bus boy. A disgruntled one at that. Especially when he finds out he's not getting a share of the tips. And it dawns on him that all his co-workers are immigrants. Except they have no accents. I guess all non-white people that work in kitchens are immigrants by Brandon's standards.

Elsewhere, Tiff shoplifts and gets caught. The shop girls think Brenda is in on it too.

At Casa Walsh, Jim sits on the couch while Cindy reads a letter from a friend back home [Are they drinking apple juice? God they suck - Will]. Cindy is nostalgic while Jim is all, screw those losers. Cindy is also concerned about Brenda's increasingly bratty attitude and her fast-living friends. Jim is like, shut up and give me a back rub. He sort of dismisses her concerns and they talk about how Cindy's dad dissaproved of Jim's "shifty bedroom eyes" when they started dating. Gross. I like how Jim thinks that he was such a badass as a youngster, the kind of guy you can't take home, when I'm sure Mr. Cindy's Dad was just ashamed to have his daughter dating such a weeny.

At the store, Brenda is in the midst of a major freak out [I've done no wrong! Sweet Jesus, hear my prayer!]. Tiffany's like, I did it for you, baby! All for you! Plus, shoplifting is the only thing that makes her feel alive. Maybe she should start doing more coke. She prepares to slut it up for the owner. Also, it's 9:25pm according to the clock in the background. How the fuck long were they shopping? How late do clothing stores stay open? Why do I care?

Jim bought Cindy a nice present... oh wait, it's an ugly tracksuit for himself. Cindy's pissed. Brandon comes in and flops dramatically on the couch because he worked for a few hours. Jim brags that he worked two jobs in high school [I guess we know where Brandon gets his one-upmanship from - Will]. Lunch monitor isn't a real job, Jim. Brandon changes the subject by impersonating his sister: "Hi, it's me. I'm at this really sweet movie and I met these two really cool guys and they're with my ex-friend's best friend!" Everyone laughs because they all think Brenda is stupid. Speaking of, Jim picks up the ringing phone to discover his daughter has been caught shoplifting. He immediately blames Cindy for letting her hang out with Tiff even though he didn't give a shit 10 minutes ago. In other (shocking!) news, Brandon actually sticks up for his sister!

Meanwhile, Tiff is getting them out of the whole predicament like a pro. Jim and Cindy arrive and Brenda starts in with the crying when she should really just be keeping her mouth shut. Jim's willing to forget it because he isn't in the mood for this parenting bullshit. Cindy, on the other hand, can't accept Brenda's innocence. And based on what a brat she is to her mom this episode, I have to side with Cindy on this one.

Yay! The power walk from the credits! Oh my God, they both look absurd. I know you're trying to spare your joints or whatnot but for Christ's sake, spare your dignity instead and jog. Jim is, once again, dismissive of the whole shoplifting thing. The only time it really pissed him off is when he had to get his ass off the couch to pick Brenda up. He thinks it's just a phase and cops to stealing a can-opener from JC Penney's as a kid. Wow, lame. Cindy jokes that she wants a divorce. Do it! Save yourself! I must say, it is rather odd to see Jim being so blase about one of Brenda's screw-ups. Suddenly, they run into Ana. She presents them with a casserole and tells them in carefully practiced English that she cooked them dinner. Aw, how nice! Jim and Cindy look at her like she has five heads. Be polite, you assholes!

Kelly's on the phone with Brenda, gossiping about Tiff and how she's a klepto and she stole Steve. Is that why they broke up? I'm sure that story is revised later on. Brandon comes in and Brenda tells him "we new kids in town sure get a raw deal." Ok, Ponyboy. They commiserate.

In the morning, Cindy's talking with the phone company. Brenda's in the background trying to get her 2 cents in about Kelly's car phone of all things. Keep your damn fool mouth shut Brenda! Your mother doesn't like you right now! Let her ignore you! Ana pops up, as she tends to do, with the stolen clothes Tiff stashed in Brenda's closet [And what have we here, little innocent sister?] Cindy's like, BUSTED!

A few moments later, Brenda takes a breath and gets her big-speech face on, complete with shaky, tear-filled voice: "Mom, if you'd really think that of me, you don't know who I am." Cindy doesn't know what she's supposed to think. For real! Brenda doesn't want to rat out Tiff, though God only knows why, it's not like she would care. Not that Cindy would believe her even if she did. Anyway, Cindy's still sympathetic for some reason and wants to talk it out but Brenda ruins the moment by saying she can't believe that her mom withholds money and then gets a maid. She ends the whole screech-fest by shouting "you don't know me at all!" and runs out as Cindy wails after her with an unhinged "Breeendaaa!" Bring me the axe!

Brandon's late for work and then has the nerve to correct his boss when she mispronounces his name as Brendan. Will no one teach these twins when and how to shut it? He sits down with some guy named Chang and gripes that he was 15 minutes early yesterday. Okay, but you know time doesn't work like that, right?

Brenda visits Tiff's place. She's tanning on the diving board out by the in-ground pool (and accompanying pool boys). Brenda's pissed that she had to cover for her, but Tiff doesn't see what the big deal is since Cindy's the "work it out" type [Why should I save her hide? Why should I right this wrong?]. True enough, but Brenda is not mollified, so Tiff tries the ol' poor me routine. See, her luxurious life is really just an optical illusion... there's nothing there. Except millions of dollars and lots of expensive material goods. Oh, and the dudes... who use the premises. Then she tells Brenda to go back to Minneapolis but looks longingly after her when she departs.

The Restaurant. The waitresses are lazy starfuckers and poor Brandon is so overworked. Plus the boss is all up in his face [Keep on cumin-stuffing 'til you drop, and go scrape those crumbs off the table!]. When one of the "immigrants" let's him know that they don't even make minimum wage, Brandon decides that this is the time to break free of his chains [You've given them half what the other men get, this handful of tin won't buy their sweat!]. The boss mispronounces his name again and he rips off his apron like a fucking superhero shouting, "The name's Brandon. Brandon Walsh! I'm an investigative reporter for the West Beverly High newspaper!" If the parents who read that paper find out about the mistreatment of the kitchen staff, they will no longer dine there [Empty chairs and empty tables, where Felice will eat no more]. Uh, sure. He then quotes MLK, because they are soul-twins, and leaves. Here's the thing, it was a crappy food service job with a bitchy boss and bad pay so naturally he didn't like it. But rather than admit that he couldn't hack it, he pretends like it was the injustice visited upon the lowly brown people in the kitchen that forced him to quit lest he sully his conscience. And I'm pretty sure he never writes that article.

Our very first visit to the Peach Pit. Dylan introduces Brandon and Nat. They bond over having jobs. Wait, he's 17 and he's just now starting his first job? And I'm supposed to be impressed by his work ethic? Anyways, Nat hires him, obvy.

And now for the Very Special part of this Very Special episode. Tiff stops by and admits to stealing the clothes in a bid for her parents' attention. Cindy tries her magical parenting faces but Tiff is surprisingly resistant. Cindy tells her, "maybe you're not as bad as you wanna be." Because she totally loves Dennis Rodman. Anyway, the important thing is that Brenda didn't steal and we never see Tiff again.

Family time! Brandon comes home yammering about his goddamn job again. Brenda tells them she finished Les Miserables and is working on her essay. Brandon grabs it and starts reading it out loud. I regret to inform you that it is even worse than Brandon's essay from last time:

"Jean Valjean stole for hunger. Others steal for a different kind of hunger. There's the hunger to belong. Many of us have had the urge but Jean Valjean acted on his impulses. There's emotional hunger - those people need understanding. They can show greatness and not let other people take the rap. There are all kinds of hunger."

Jim thinks his hunger is the biggest of them all! So they all eat Ana's food.

Next time, Brandon experiences the ultimate.

"Man, that guy is a real tool."

Episode 1, "The Green Room" aired 10/11/90.

What is this "Green Room"? Let Brandon tell you:

"There's an expression surfers use for the curl of a perfect wave. It's called The Green Room and getting inside is the peak of the ride. To a new student like myself, The Green Room might as well be West Beverly, because getting inside it - the in crowd, the in parties, the in clothes, the in cars - requires a skill they never taught us back in Minnesota, or so I thought. That was when I took it all at face value, when I believed people's images and played along with them. What I've learned is that appearances can be very deceiving and if you believe them, you deceive yourself more than anyone else. I know better now, so when you meet me in the halls or in class or on the lawn at lunch, I'll be looking for more than meets the eye, and I hope you will too. Because that's where the green room is."

So now you know and I bet you feel more complete as a person. We begin with a shot of Brandon "surfing" in this Green Room, gulping and spitting water. He emerges from the sea, greeted by a beach bunny in one of those bikini bottoms that cuts up dramatically from the crotch to just above the hips. It's a good look, if you like saddlebags. He awakes to see his sister in a hideous floral top, telling him to rise and shine.

And then we're suddenly back in snowy Minnesota. A mailman walks up to the old Walsh homestead but guess what? They moved to California, suckah! Some cheesy animation reminds us of that fact and then the credits roll with the original, jazzercize version of the theme song, not the rockin' one most of us remember. It's got more saxophone than guitar and a peppy, synthesized rhythm section. It's the perfect tune for Jim and Cindy's power-walks!

Breakfast. Jim is in Chicago, thank Christ.

At school, DJ Mic MC (creative name, that) is doing his Warriors "thang". Today's topic is the beach. Brandon's like, I totally dreamed of the beach! Brenda's like, no shit, this is southern California. Kelly walks up in a puffy peasant blouse and let's us know she spent all last weekend on her back. Meanwhile, David is still harassing Steve about The Hartley House. Even Scott is embarrassed.

Beverly Blaze. Andrea tells Brandon to write a fish out of water editorial. Brandon reluctantly agrees.

Tech class, where kids fool around with useless robots and Apple IIe's. Brandon is watching Scott make a computer simulated night club when two jocks come up and start their usual menacing. But hey, not so fast! None other than Dylan McKay, sporting leather and an earring, spins around out of nowhere and warns everyone that he is "not in a good mood today." Indeed, all 90 pounds of him are feeling hostile. The jocks are scared, like he's gonna pull out a switchblade and go all Outsiders on them. Brandon seems titillated. Look, I know the whole "Brandon and Dylan are gay for each other" line of commentary is kind of obvious but there's really no way to ignore it in this episode. And with illicit guitar this intense, what am I supposed to think?

Outside by the steps, Brandon casts longing looks in Dylan's direction before working up the nerve to approach. He tries to get a lunch date but has to settle for surfing lessons.

At the beach, Brandon wears yellow flippers and goes boogie-boarding while all the cool kids surf. After nearly drowning in a foot of water, he retreats to the sand and talks to a sweet but cracked-out looking Valley girl named Sarah. Seriously, that chick looks like she's lived a lot of life. Sarah, called Betty by her possessive Valley guy friends, tries to flirt with him but he just wants the scoop on Dylan. We get a nice shot of Brando's pit hair in this scene.

Brenda and Kelly shop. Brenda is on a budget, Kelly is not.

Steve's mom talks to him via intercom. She wants him to buddy up to David in the mistaken belief that his dad is a producer.

Cindy putters around the kitchen while Brandon sneaks off to be with his exciting new boyfriend. Upstairs, Brenda's fashion angst continues. She and Cindy commiserate about being merely upper middle class in the land of the super rich. The poor dears.

Brandon hangs out in Dylan's car and finds Dylan's strategically placed collection of Lord Byron's poetry. Dylan relates to the late poet because he too, by his own estimation, is "mad, bad, and dangerous to know." Dylan is an ass. Before things can get too steamy in the front seat, they move the party over to the Bel Age hotel, along with Sarah/Betty and the two guys from The Valley. Brandon is freaking out because they don't even have a reservation and he's all hurt and disappointed that his crush is turning out to be so naughty. But wasn't that the appeal, Brando? Dylan finally lets on that he lives at the hotel but Brandon is in the middle of a snit fit and will not be appeased. They don't do wacky hijinks in Minnesota, damnit!

The morning after. Brandon is still upset. Brenda informs him that everybody already knows about Dylan and his wicked ways. Face it, Brandon, he moves too fast for you. Kelly arrives to pick up Brenda, dressed in her hobo best, for a day at the beach. Brandon would like to stay home and pout but Brenda drags him along.

The beach. I should let you know that I'm watching the DVD version and most of the original soundtrack is replaced with crunchy, grungy mid-nineties songs that do not capture the mood. At all. Kelly is wearing a white bustier with a white jean skirt and white cowboy boots. It's not the worst thing she's ever worn but it's definitely White Snake, especially when combined with her stringy skank bangs. And why does a girl that pale insist on wearing so much white? Brandon wanders off and finds the Valley kids getting drunk and talking shit about Beverly Hills. He puts on his best "Daddy's not mad, honey, he's just very disappointed" face for Sarah/Betty. Then Dylan, who cannot even fill out his wet suit, walks up and makes nice. He says he wants to be friends and, I kid you not, licks his lips. They decide on a truce and Brandon totally checks out Dylan's ass as he walks back into the surf. And then he licks his lips too. Elsewhere, Steve tolerates David for his mom's sake while Kelly and Donna express their dissatisfaction with the social scene. Brenda goes to fetch Brandon and Kelly totally drives off without her. Wow, dick move. And yet, I kind of like early Kelly. Back when she was a straight up trampy bitch, before she started hiding behind sanctimony and a rewritten history. Oh, and Sarah/Betty is totally drowning. Eh, just leave her to die. The world will not miss her. Brenda calls 911 while Brandon administers CPR. Breathe, damn you!

The twins are at the hospital, getting an update from the doctor. Don't worry everyone, Sarah/Betty shall live. Cindy arrives and is worried but proud. That night, Brandon can't sleep. He has some moralizing to get off his chest! So he returns to the beach in the morning and gets in a slap fight with Sarah/Betty's Valley buddies until Dylan breaks it up: "Ennnough, Ennnough!" One of the guys calls Brandon a tool and Dylan responds by breaking his surfboard. The truth hurts.

Back at the Walsh house, it's round one of "Brenda and Kelly aren't speaking." And, after days of work, Brandon has finally finished his one paragraph "editorial" which he makes Brenda read out loud. Cindy listens in and both women are so proud because Brandon is wise beyond his years. Speaking of advanced years, Dylan is in the Bel Age (which looks like a cheap motel) trying to call his parents in France. You can tell by the guitar in the background that they aren't going to pick up.

Back at school, DJ Mic MC dedicates a song to the twins. Steve finds out David's dad is actually an oral surgeon. Andrea smugly approves of Brandon's essay. Sarah/Betty visits Brandon to let him know she's starting AA. Brenda and Kelly make up. The twins think they're gonna make it after all. Everybody jazzercize!

And now, Will's Two Cents, as transcribed (badly) by me:

On Brandon's dream: "Look how douchey his fantasies are. We should have been able to tell from minute one. And this bitch totally has a camel toe."

On DJ Mic MC: "I love that this is what inspires David. He's like, oh man, that guy's so cool, I wanna get into radio. And thus, a star is born."

On Kelly saying she spent all last weekend on her back: "We need to start documenting the amount of times Kelly proves with her own comments how much of a slut she really is. And she fucking loves it! She's a self-aware whore."

On Scott: "Who did what's his name, Scott, know to get on this show? Because he is the worst actor ever. There were definitely some dicks that got sucked. I don't know how many or whose, but dicks were sucked."

On Dylan and Brandon's friendship: "You know what I didn't realize? They just set him up as Brandon's dream man. Like how in the beginning he's dreaming of being this awesome surfer dude who gets all these hot chicks and Dylan really is that guy. And Brandon resents him for it. And it's right there from the beginning - the reason Brandon has a huge stick up his ass about Dylan."

On Brandon's surfing lesson: "I love this action photography. Am I really supposed to believe that was Luke Perry there? I think we've discussed this before but Brandon's arm pit hair is really gross. Like, look at the surface area it covers. It's so long and vast."

On Sarah/Betty: "She's got a snaggle tooth and it's ugly."

On Steve's mom: "I think every time Steve's mom comes up we should mention the fact that she munches box. Because she does. It should be in the forefront of your mind, she's a muff diver."

On the hotel non-break in: "Look how fucking annoyed Brandon is by the fact that he has to break a rule. And Dylan, you can't be a fucking tough guy and then be like, I'm going to go home and order room service from this five-star hotel."

On Brenda's hair: "Those bangs are really bad. She looks like a balding man with a comb-over.

On Dylan: "I'd totally fuck young Dylan... but you can't write that!"

On the soundtrack: "Man, the illicit guitar starts soon and strong. That was pretty good, I have to say."

On this episode's theme: "Because that's where The Green Room is... in my pants."

"First day of school, strange city, new house, no friends. I’m psyched."

Ho-LA and welcome. It's been seven years and three months since the final episode of this American classic graced the airwaves. Since that time several other teen soaps have come and gone, careers have stagnated in pools of reality programming, and beloved producers have crossed over into the great beyond. But for many of us, or at least two, these sad realities do not diminish our passion for this great drama. And thanks to SoapNet, DVR, DVD, and the Internet we can now waste our precious, precious time reliving the joy, the pain, the rage, and the embarrassment induced by the 296 episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210.

We begin with the pilot. Well, sort of. Honestly, anything we could say about this two part episode has already been said much better here. Read it, it's great stuff. But just to sum up, the Walshes are down to earth. Everyone else is rich and dysfunctional. Brenda just wants to fit in and almost sleeps with a skeezy lawyer. Brandon just wants to do the right thing and doesn't sleep with the easiest girl in school. Andrea takes herself very seriously and lives out of district. Kelly got a nose job and is "the biggest bitch at West Beverly High" not to mention "lousy in bed" according to her ex, Steve, whose car is wrecked by David, who in turn is waiting for his balls to drop. And that about covers it. Nothing particularly awesome or infuriating happens. There's no Dylan, no grand Brandon Walsh moral crusade, and poor little rich girl is like the alternate title of this show, so you're not missing much if you don't remember Marianne Moore.

And thus, though the beginning is indeed a very good place to start, the real work begins next episode during which, if memory serves, we shall be treated to a display of Brandon's lifesaving and writing skills. Joy.

"Pilot" Special Guest Stars:

Josh Mostel (Science Teacher) - Principal Max "The Revolting Blob" Anderson of Billy Madison fame.

Leslie Bega (Marianne Moore) - Her sexual permissiveness apparently does not extend to cheese-graters and certain body parts of be-wigged Mafia captains. Last seen burning Tony Soprano's eggs.

Maxwell Caulfied (Skeezy Lawyer) - Cute in Grease 2, then became kind of ridiculous looking. Oh Rexy, not so much with the sexy.

Djimon Hounsou (Nightclub Doorman) - This two-time Oscar nominee has about as many lines.