"They're just dudes... who use the premises."

Episode 2, "Every Dream has its Price" aired 10/18/90.

To the teeming millions who read this, I apologize for taking so long. Will and I have finally finished moving (apart) and we're ready to get back down to business. Today's Very Special Episode is about shoplifting. And Blossom hats.

On her own, pretending Cindy's beside her, or in front of her or whatever, Brenda practices convincing her mom to let her go horseback riding in Topenga Canyon. Brandon lounges on her bed and offers his critique, telling her she really needs to go for the mother nature angle. I've been watching A Few Good Men a lot lately, probably because it's always on, and I've noticed that whenever Brandon mimics another character he tends to sound like Tom Cruise's Jack Nicholson impersonation. Unfortunately, no one on this show eats breakfast 300 yards from 4,000 Cubans trained to kill them, so he needs to dial it back a little. His main advice? Don't mention money!

Doesn't really work since Cindy brings it up anyway. She's out in the garden, as is her wont. Brenda starts with the dramatics: "You know, I'm not anybody here. I have no clothes!" Cindy seems to think that what she's wearing (high-waisted linen pants, white shirt, blue blazer) fits the "clothing" definition. I remember being embarrassed when it finally dawned on me that other girls were making fun of my outfits (typically sweatpants and flannel shirts) but I'm pretty sure I didn't complain about it to my mother's face. First off, it was mainly due to my own crappy taste (looking at you Bren - not that there was good taste in 1990). Also my mom would've given me the smackdown, which is what Cindy should do when Brenda insults her fashion sense and Brandon chimes in with, "Yeah, Mrs. Greenjeans moves to Beverly Hills." Instead she just smiles and continues digging. She's not mad at them, she's mad at the dirt. A Spanish-speaking woman takes this opportunity to wander into the yard and report for duty as Cindy's maid. Oh, Heavens!

At the lockers, Brenda looks on jealously while Kelly cads about with an old friend of hers. Random Girl fills her in: Tiffany Morgan and Kelly used to be BFF back in the day. They talk about rich people things together and try on Blossom hats.

Casa Walsh. Cindy's on the phone with Jim, panicking about the maid situation. Jim's like, oh right, forgot to tell you, hope you don't mind. But she does mind because she used to have a job, and friends, and a life! It's charming that you still care at this point, Cindy, because you're never going to get any of those things back. Too bad there's no Red Hat Society she can join.

"'Les Miserables.' Sounds kind of miserable, doesn't it?" Good one Ms. Rye! The dudes in the class laugh uncomfortably because she's totally the Lucinda Nicholson prototype and they all have boners. This book has the works: sex, crime, hard cells, hard bodies. Like Oz, if Colm Wilkinson guest starred. Which he totally should have. Hell, they had Patti Lupone and half a dozen other aging Broadway stars on there. He would have made an interesting addition to the Aryans. Now I'm kind of pissed off. So yeah, anyway, Jean Valjean got 20 years for stealing bread. What does Tiff think of that sentence? "Let them eat cake." Doesn't really make any sense, but Ms. Rye thinks it's a valid way to illustrate that the denizens of the "golden ghetto" don't understand real need [She described Beverly Hills as "The Golden Ghetto"? She needs to be drowned - Will]. But Brenda thinks she does, you can tell. Bread, ugly clothes, same thing. As the class ends, she tries real hard to suck up to Tiff. DJ Mic MC is announcing a sale at some boutique and Brenda's about to admit defeat when Tiff invites her to come along, "No money, just fun."

Meanwhile, the good son is looking at a job posting board when Andrea comes bounding up. Brandon's getting a job so that he can pay for car insurance and so that he can pretend to be a working class hero [Right, this is when he becomes and honorary Mexican - Will]. Then they play this job hunting/rejection montage of Brandon in the big city which I'm pretty sure was originally set to 1930s movie noir jazz but which, in the DVD version, is set to some crappy garage punk. Finally, he meets with the owner of some upscale restaurant. She's about 40, is a total Jewish stereotype, and is also wearing a Blossom hat and a blazer. There's like five millions over-sized blazers, or what I consider to be blazers, in this episode. After a hang-dog routine by Brandon, he's hired. Let the boy walk your dog!

Apparently Tiff's idea of fun is discussing "inverted nipple trouble" while shopping. I sort of approve. For some reason, Steve is also in the store hanging out with David, seemingly of his own will. Random Girl tells Brenda that Kelly and Tiff had a major falling out over Steve. Brenda goes into the dressing room and tries on a really unflattering silk button down top. Don't steal that shit, it looks like ass on you. She's thinking about it, though. Meanwhile, Tiff really does steal a bunch of crap.

Cindy's back in the damn garden again when Ana shows up, still under the assumption that she's gonna get paid. She calls Jim, whose all what the fuck, I'm busy accountin' and shit, bitch. Solve your own damn problems.

Upstairs, Brenda feels her outfit is inadequate until she adds a blazer. And a fucking Blossom hat. Hey, was that a cities of the world skirt she had hanging up on her door? Like from the BSC?

At school, Brandon brags to Steve and Dylan about his new job. Of course, Dylan ate there on opening night: "Great cumin." Cumin is a spice, right? Not a dish? Just wanted to clarify that.

In Ms. Rye's class, Kelly and Tiff talk about slut stuff while Brenda asks Ms. Rye, "Who's more guilty, someone who didn't want to steal but had to or someone who wanted to but didn't?" Deep. But you rarely run into anyone who steals because they have to.

Cindy makes tea and prattles on nonsensically while Ana polishes silver.

After class, David creepily films the girls in the hallway. Tiff takes off her top to reveal a not very impressive rack. Kelly is so over this whore, but Brenda is still trying to be cool. She and Tiff make plans to shop while Kelly goes horseback riding with random girl.

Before they do that, they stop off at Casa Walsh. Cindy and Ana are crouched on the floor, scrubbing away. Tiff wants to know which ass belongs to Cindy, so she sticks it out to identify herself [I guess we know how it is in the Walsh bedroom - Will]. Tiff scoffs, "You'll never see my mom with a cleaning utensil in her hand... you'll never see my mom at all." Good, we have enough parents on this show as it is. Cindy makes a face, like, I can't believe this biznatch. Upstairs, Tiff calls Brenda's spacious bedroom "quaint." She also decides to stash the stolen goods in the closet.

At the restaurant Brandon is 15 minutes early, according to the old hooker that greets him by the back entrance. She wants Brandon's hands in tight places. Let's be honest, I'm sure those places aren't tight anymore.

Tiff thinks only Catherine the Great would pick a horse over shopping. Eh, not bad. She gives Brenda more dish on the Kelly situation. She feels like Kelly just got boring. Well, not until college, really.

Brandon is a bus boy. A disgruntled one at that. Especially when he finds out he's not getting a share of the tips. And it dawns on him that all his co-workers are immigrants. Except they have no accents. I guess all non-white people that work in kitchens are immigrants by Brandon's standards.

Elsewhere, Tiff shoplifts and gets caught. The shop girls think Brenda is in on it too.

At Casa Walsh, Jim sits on the couch while Cindy reads a letter from a friend back home [Are they drinking apple juice? God they suck - Will]. Cindy is nostalgic while Jim is all, screw those losers. Cindy is also concerned about Brenda's increasingly bratty attitude and her fast-living friends. Jim is like, shut up and give me a back rub. He sort of dismisses her concerns and they talk about how Cindy's dad dissaproved of Jim's "shifty bedroom eyes" when they started dating. Gross. I like how Jim thinks that he was such a badass as a youngster, the kind of guy you can't take home, when I'm sure Mr. Cindy's Dad was just ashamed to have his daughter dating such a weeny.

At the store, Brenda is in the midst of a major freak out [I've done no wrong! Sweet Jesus, hear my prayer!]. Tiffany's like, I did it for you, baby! All for you! Plus, shoplifting is the only thing that makes her feel alive. Maybe she should start doing more coke. She prepares to slut it up for the owner. Also, it's 9:25pm according to the clock in the background. How the fuck long were they shopping? How late do clothing stores stay open? Why do I care?

Jim bought Cindy a nice present... oh wait, it's an ugly tracksuit for himself. Cindy's pissed. Brandon comes in and flops dramatically on the couch because he worked for a few hours. Jim brags that he worked two jobs in high school [I guess we know where Brandon gets his one-upmanship from - Will]. Lunch monitor isn't a real job, Jim. Brandon changes the subject by impersonating his sister: "Hi, it's me. I'm at this really sweet movie and I met these two really cool guys and they're with my ex-friend's best friend!" Everyone laughs because they all think Brenda is stupid. Speaking of, Jim picks up the ringing phone to discover his daughter has been caught shoplifting. He immediately blames Cindy for letting her hang out with Tiff even though he didn't give a shit 10 minutes ago. In other (shocking!) news, Brandon actually sticks up for his sister!

Meanwhile, Tiff is getting them out of the whole predicament like a pro. Jim and Cindy arrive and Brenda starts in with the crying when she should really just be keeping her mouth shut. Jim's willing to forget it because he isn't in the mood for this parenting bullshit. Cindy, on the other hand, can't accept Brenda's innocence. And based on what a brat she is to her mom this episode, I have to side with Cindy on this one.

Yay! The power walk from the credits! Oh my God, they both look absurd. I know you're trying to spare your joints or whatnot but for Christ's sake, spare your dignity instead and jog. Jim is, once again, dismissive of the whole shoplifting thing. The only time it really pissed him off is when he had to get his ass off the couch to pick Brenda up. He thinks it's just a phase and cops to stealing a can-opener from JC Penney's as a kid. Wow, lame. Cindy jokes that she wants a divorce. Do it! Save yourself! I must say, it is rather odd to see Jim being so blase about one of Brenda's screw-ups. Suddenly, they run into Ana. She presents them with a casserole and tells them in carefully practiced English that she cooked them dinner. Aw, how nice! Jim and Cindy look at her like she has five heads. Be polite, you assholes!

Kelly's on the phone with Brenda, gossiping about Tiff and how she's a klepto and she stole Steve. Is that why they broke up? I'm sure that story is revised later on. Brandon comes in and Brenda tells him "we new kids in town sure get a raw deal." Ok, Ponyboy. They commiserate.

In the morning, Cindy's talking with the phone company. Brenda's in the background trying to get her 2 cents in about Kelly's car phone of all things. Keep your damn fool mouth shut Brenda! Your mother doesn't like you right now! Let her ignore you! Ana pops up, as she tends to do, with the stolen clothes Tiff stashed in Brenda's closet [And what have we here, little innocent sister?] Cindy's like, BUSTED!

A few moments later, Brenda takes a breath and gets her big-speech face on, complete with shaky, tear-filled voice: "Mom, if you'd really think that of me, you don't know who I am." Cindy doesn't know what she's supposed to think. For real! Brenda doesn't want to rat out Tiff, though God only knows why, it's not like she would care. Not that Cindy would believe her even if she did. Anyway, Cindy's still sympathetic for some reason and wants to talk it out but Brenda ruins the moment by saying she can't believe that her mom withholds money and then gets a maid. She ends the whole screech-fest by shouting "you don't know me at all!" and runs out as Cindy wails after her with an unhinged "Breeendaaa!" Bring me the axe!

Brandon's late for work and then has the nerve to correct his boss when she mispronounces his name as Brendan. Will no one teach these twins when and how to shut it? He sits down with some guy named Chang and gripes that he was 15 minutes early yesterday. Okay, but you know time doesn't work like that, right?

Brenda visits Tiff's place. She's tanning on the diving board out by the in-ground pool (and accompanying pool boys). Brenda's pissed that she had to cover for her, but Tiff doesn't see what the big deal is since Cindy's the "work it out" type [Why should I save her hide? Why should I right this wrong?]. True enough, but Brenda is not mollified, so Tiff tries the ol' poor me routine. See, her luxurious life is really just an optical illusion... there's nothing there. Except millions of dollars and lots of expensive material goods. Oh, and the dudes... who use the premises. Then she tells Brenda to go back to Minneapolis but looks longingly after her when she departs.

The Restaurant. The waitresses are lazy starfuckers and poor Brandon is so overworked. Plus the boss is all up in his face [Keep on cumin-stuffing 'til you drop, and go scrape those crumbs off the table!]. When one of the "immigrants" let's him know that they don't even make minimum wage, Brandon decides that this is the time to break free of his chains [You've given them half what the other men get, this handful of tin won't buy their sweat!]. The boss mispronounces his name again and he rips off his apron like a fucking superhero shouting, "The name's Brandon. Brandon Walsh! I'm an investigative reporter for the West Beverly High newspaper!" If the parents who read that paper find out about the mistreatment of the kitchen staff, they will no longer dine there [Empty chairs and empty tables, where Felice will eat no more]. Uh, sure. He then quotes MLK, because they are soul-twins, and leaves. Here's the thing, it was a crappy food service job with a bitchy boss and bad pay so naturally he didn't like it. But rather than admit that he couldn't hack it, he pretends like it was the injustice visited upon the lowly brown people in the kitchen that forced him to quit lest he sully his conscience. And I'm pretty sure he never writes that article.

Our very first visit to the Peach Pit. Dylan introduces Brandon and Nat. They bond over having jobs. Wait, he's 17 and he's just now starting his first job? And I'm supposed to be impressed by his work ethic? Anyways, Nat hires him, obvy.

And now for the Very Special part of this Very Special episode. Tiff stops by and admits to stealing the clothes in a bid for her parents' attention. Cindy tries her magical parenting faces but Tiff is surprisingly resistant. Cindy tells her, "maybe you're not as bad as you wanna be." Because she totally loves Dennis Rodman. Anyway, the important thing is that Brenda didn't steal and we never see Tiff again.

Family time! Brandon comes home yammering about his goddamn job again. Brenda tells them she finished Les Miserables and is working on her essay. Brandon grabs it and starts reading it out loud. I regret to inform you that it is even worse than Brandon's essay from last time:

"Jean Valjean stole for hunger. Others steal for a different kind of hunger. There's the hunger to belong. Many of us have had the urge but Jean Valjean acted on his impulses. There's emotional hunger - those people need understanding. They can show greatness and not let other people take the rap. There are all kinds of hunger."

Jim thinks his hunger is the biggest of them all! So they all eat Ana's food.

Next time, Brandon experiences the ultimate.