"You just won't know until you do it."

Episode 3, "The First Time" aired 10/25/90.

Shirtless Brandon. Off putting? Yes, but merely a preview of the skin-baring horrors in store for us this episode. The twins are in their shared bathroom getting ready for bed while Brandon goes on a rant about the LA heat wave (it's November) and the air-quality index and the possibility of earthquakes. Suddenly Jim appears with the phone - it's Sheryl. Minneapolis Sheryl? Yeah, that one.

Brandon still hasn't put on a shirt as he talks to his old girlfriend in his room. He's shoving his hands in his pockets in a way that's drawing unnecessary attention to his crotchal region. Also, he's got his big watch on. Until it's proven otherwise, I will assume he wears an oversized watch at all times. Right now, it's just emphasizing the slimness of his arms. Jim, Cindy, and Brenda all spy annoyingly in the background as Brandon confirms that Sheryl's coming to visit tomorrow. Nice notice, you rude bitch.

At school, Andrea is wearing orange shorts that are tight around the v-jay and baggy everywhere else [They're like mom jeans to the nth degree. I think this is the worst outfit she's ever worn. And that's saying a lot - Will]. Brandon asks for a few days off from the paper for his ex-girlfriend's visit. Andrea does not, as you might expect, freak out like a jealous hag but she does dig for more info. Turns out Brandon dumped her before he moved because he doesn't believe in long distance relationships.

Brenda, Kelly, and Donna moon over their algebra teacher. Mullet alert!

Again with the random robot workshop. Dylan and Brandon talk about Sheryl's impending visit. Brandon thinks she's the total package: looks, personality, "realness". Dylan thinks he's just blinded by the fact that she's willing to touch his penis. Brandon's like, well, not so much.

Matt the algebra teacher asks Brenda to stay after class. She fantasizes that he's asking her to run away with him. He's actually just asking her to babysit for him and his wife. If she really wanted to sleep with him, I'm sure it wouldn't require too much persuasion.

Later in the day, Andrea heckles Brandon about Sheryl. Brandon gets all worked up and nervous because this is big chance to finally get some. He crashes into David in the hall and as they collect themselves, David introduces himself as "Steve Sanders' friend". Again, when the Hell did this happen? I guess the cologne sampling last episode elevated their relationship. David then begins a severely long story about his 8th grade summer camp girlfriend and how she was gonna come visit and he was all nervous and blah blah blah. First of all, he's wearing this huge white button-down with sharks printed all over it, it's weird. Second-0f-ly, is the whole school talking about Brandon's ex-girlfriend? Did DJ Mic MC announce her visit? Anyway, Brandon's like, what the fuck is the point of this ridiculous story?! Um, there isn't one, she never came.

When the twins arrive home, Sheryl is already there, talking with Cindy about the weather. What else would one discuss with Cindy? [No wonder Cindy likes her, she wears her pants almost as high as Cindy does - Will]. She's old looking and not attractive, but not exactly ugly. They move the party upstairs and in this new light... I take it back, she's ugly. They attempt to catch up via small talk but Brandon's like, screw this, let's make out. They are interrupted by Cindy, bearing fresh linens! I imagine they smell of cedar [Cindy, you suck so hard, and you have no butt - Will].

Sheryl is now in Brenda's room where she's supposed to sleep. The two girls gossip about Minneapolis and Brenda's algebra teacher. It's thrilling, believe me.

Cindy worries about Sheryl's sleeping arraignments.

Upstairs in the bathroom, Sheryl's stepping out of the shower in a towel as Brandon comes in, sans shirt yet again, and tells her to meet him in his room in one hour, "don't say no." She hesitates, saying she wants it to be special and he gets all whispery: "Trust me, right now this is special. You just won't know until you do it. Then you'll look back and realize how special it was." Gross. And how would you know, virgin?

Montage! Asleep: Jim and Brenda. Awake: Cindy, Brandon, and Sheryl. Cindy's eyes widen as she hears a door creak open. Sex alert! Sheryl and Brandon start making out as Cindy shakes Jim awake and tells him to listen. My God, Cindy! Please don't be trying to hear your son having relations! Jim's like, woman, let me sleep. Cindy doesn't think she'll be able to sleep knowing her son is doing it in the next room. That is horrifying. I don't think I'd physically be able to have sex within 10 miles of Jim and Cindy, let alone under the same roof.

The morning after. Brandon isn't really much for subtlety. He's blasting Big Band music and dancing around his room like a fucking retard. Wow, you put your penis into a vagina. Congrats on your extraordinary achievement. Cindy puts on her stern look and tells Jim he better have a talk with his son. In the kitchen, Brandon makes breakfast for the whole fam. Brenda smirks: she knows what time it is. Sheryl comes down and Brandon's like, wasn't I amazing? She changes the subject (guess not!) and says she wants to go see movie stars. Jim comes down to have the talk, but Brandon's like, I'm out big guy! Fresh OJ on the counter! I hate that Brandon calls his dad "big guy" in that condescending way of his. If Jim wasn't such a pussy, he'd let him know.

Beverly Hills! Shopping! Mansions! Cher's house!

Lunch at the Bel Age. Sheryl asks the waitress if there are any movie stars there. She's dumb. Brandon thinks it's just great that there finally having sex like everyone else. She's pretty non-responsive to that. Get a clue, Brando. I highly doubt those 20 seconds gave her much satisfaction. Dylan shows up and Brandon leaves for the bathroom. Again, Sheryl asks about movie stars so Dylan invites her to some exclusive club where she might see some. I'm surprised he's indulging her since he's all anti-Hollywood and shit. He tries to be a good wingman and tells Sheryl that Brandon thinks she's pretty special but she just gets kind of pissed off.

In Brenda's room, Sheryl asks about Dylan. Sheryl's feeling the McKay mojo - is no one immune? Meanwhile, Brenda gets dolled up for her babysitting gig with a peasant blouse and a chunky necklace. Hot!

Cindy tells Jim to have the damn talk. Jim just smirks.

Dylan arrives and Sheryl wants to ride in his cool car. Brandon gets stuck dropping his sister off while his best friend and his best girl ride off into the night. Brandon admits that he's worried about Sheryl and Dylan. Brenda's like, he does have a better car than you.

Babysitting gig. Matt's wife is a controlling nag and his kids are brats. He smiles apologetically like, sorry, my family's awful [It must be weird as a parent to realize that your children suck. You should probably just smother them with a pillow. Because if your kids suck that much now, they're gonna be huge dicks when they grow up, so you might as well end it now and do the world a favor - Will].

At the club, Brandon sneaks past the bouncer and nearly starts a riot at the door. Inside, he sees Dylan and Sheryl slow dancing. It's on! He thought Dylan was supposed to leave his name at the door, which Sheryl swears he did. Brandon thinks the bouncer must have a short memory. Or perhaps it is you with the short memory, since you didn't even give the guy your name, you just barged in. He demands that Dylan stop hitting on his girl, she's not interested. Dylan's like, first, I don't do uggos, so relax. Second, it was she who was hitting on me. Brandon punches him in the face. Dylan takes the high road and tells him he better deal with whatever the fuck his problem is. So he stomps over to Sheryl at the bar and tries to take her drink, "Don't you think you've had one too many?" As if one would have to be drunk to spurn him. She lets him know that he is, in fact, not the boss of her. And she really doesn't seem drunk. Brandon thinks they should be closer than ever, now that they've done it. But Sheryl's not that naive, because she's done it before. Say what? Brandon can't believe she made him wait forever and then jumped in the sack with some random right after they broke up [Nothing hits Brandon below the belt more than that. He's like "What? I didn't get to take your virginity? C'mon!" He's totally one of those guys, like, even in his 40s he'll go after virgins - Will]. He demands a name, or she can start packing. She's like, smell ya. Predictably, Brandon swats her drink off the bar.

Babysitting. The kids are bored [What?! Clue is the best game ever - Will]. Kelly and Donna stop by and are all, ew, children. Word.

Brandon exits the club to see Sheryl getting into a cab. He tries to chase after her but she's in a car and he's on foot, so it doesn't really work out for him.

The girls look at Matt's family photos. Matt and his wife come home early and she's pissed that there's two strangers looking through her stuff. Kelly gives Brenda a ride home and she realizes that Matt is neutered and pussy-whipped. She walks into her room and finds Cindy, probably looking for stained sheets. Sheryl's mom called, turns out she ran away from home.

The Bel Age. Brandon marches up to Dylans room. Sheryl is inside, puking in the toilet. Dylan's like, she's got issues dude. Talk it out. Note the lack of apology for the whole punch in the face thing. Brandon gets his dad face on and asks Sheryl if she wants to tell him what this is all about. She tells him that he never considered how his moving would impact her, as if he had a choice in the matter. She feels abandoned and now she has to deal with all her problems alone. Brandon's like, what problems? Well, a stepfather she hates, a mother who defends him, and a father who never calls her. Brandon actually smirks when he replies, "I never knew things were so bad." The fuck? She didn't want to burden him. He says he could've handled it. She spits back, "Well I couldn't, Brandon!" Wow, she really hates him. And yet, I still don't like her. She calms down and explains that she felt safe with him and the rest of the Walshes and now she doesn't have that anymore. Seeing him has only made it worse. They hug it out and Brandon decides they should order a whole bunch of ice cream. What a total chick. So they went out for a year and he didn't realize that she might have problems with her stepfather or her parents' divorce? Douche.

The rest of the Walshes are also enjoying some delicious ice cream. Cindy's explaining the whole runaway development and takes the time to let Brenda know her brother had sex. Lovely. Sheyrl and Brandon arrive and Sheryl goes to call her mom. Meanwhile, Brenda's can't believe that Cindy is so calm: "Everything Brandon does is fine! If this was me, you'd be freaking out!" True enough. Jim tries and fails once again to have that talk.

Brandon sulks in his room as Brenda comes in. He thought he knew her. He ignored her problems. He thought they were so close. Brenda says it's never too late. Brandon thinks real hard.

In the morning, Sheryl packs up. "Give me a couple of years," she tells Brandon. "I'll be back." No you won't, thank God. It's bad enough that Emily Valentine returns like ten times (as a shell of her formerly crazy self) for no reason. And you, Sheryl, are no Emily Valentine, although you are both ugly in sort of similar ways. Anyway, Brandon still wants to know who the devirginizer was. She tells him it doesn't matter, but it did make her realize one thing. And then she starts down the stairs. Brandon yells after her, "What? What did it make you realize?" "You, Brandon, are a wonderful lover." I doubt that very much. And ew. Brenda overhears this and looks at him like, you stud. Don't encourage him, please.

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHEEEEEEWWW!
Jim's chest hair! Jim's back hair! And Jim's SHOULDER HAIR! I've never seen such a display. It's all dark and thick and is covering his shoulder blades, running down to his elbows, WHO APPROVED THIS WARDROBE! We need sleeves immediately! [At least put him in a clean shirt so we can't see his sweat everywhere - Will]. He's shooting hoops with his son and attempting to give relationship advice: "Every relationship is special, you need to act responsibly." Brandon says he can tell Cindy they were careful. Jim smiles and is like, cool, wanna give me any details? ["Her vagina felt really warm." Like, what does he want him to say? - Will] Brandon doesn't kiss and tell, especially to his DAD. Jesus. And that's it. No big deal. Sex is fine, just use protection. Man, poor Brenda.

Next time: more basketball, less shoulder hair (I hope).