"My hair is no joking matter."

Episode 5, "Higher Education" aired 11/15/90.

One last Brandon-centric episode to slog through before Jackie Taylor's coke fueled meltdown. Will won't be contributing any of his thoughts this time around as he is out in California, probably making a pilgrimage to the beach apartment while I'm back here in my own beach apartment. Hermosa Beach, Rockaway Beach, same shit right? Shut up, I am not crying.

The Peach Pit has yet another exterior, but still not the one most of us have come to know. The sign looks like it was made of construction paper. Brandon's inside busing tables and studying history at the same time, just trying to elevate himself and put food on the table in this crazy town. He notices his stodgy old history teacher, Mr. Danzel, at the counter and marches right up to introduce himself. Mr. Danzel could not be less impressed and orders Brandon to get out of his face and bring him some horseradish. Nat tells Brandon not to let Danzel get to him...

...But get to him he does when Brandon receives a C on his American history quiz the next day. Danzel grades on a curve: top 10 percent get A's, bottom 10 get F's, everyone else gets C's. Brandon raises his hand, slack-jawed with disbelief, and complains that he only missed 3 questions. Which, out of ten? Yeah, that's a C even without the curve. Danzel is like, tough titties, other people did better. Brandon has a hard time comprehending that notion, especially seeing as one of those other people is Steve. And apparently Andrea, since instead of slitting her wrists she's hassling Brandon over a story on the swim team he's supposed to be writing. But he has a JOB! How can he be expected to work, go to school, AND write for the paper he begged to join voluntarily? Andrea's like, I edit the damn paper and you don't see me whining. And I don't work to pay for my car insurance because I take the bus. And unlike you, I am actually middle class. Or maybe she just tells him not to be crabby because he got a C. Brandon's all, "Look, what are grades anyway? I mean they're just some weird arbitrary reference points, they can't measure what a person really knows." Well, they don't necessarily measure how smart you are, but they can measure what you know in reference to a particular subject. And obviously you didn't know that much. Andrea suggests they study together and confirms that she got an A but "what are grades anyway?"

Kelly and Brenda ogle Dylan in his big tan jacket and hoop earring. Kelly asks after his tastes and he tells her he prefers blonds but is clearly checking out Brenda. Kelly looks threatened. Let the triangulation begin!

At home, Brenda checks herself out in the mirror, imagining how much better she'd look with a giant crimped rats' nest of blond piled on her head. Cindy sees her and puts her Reviving Ophelia face on: "Oh honey, you're beautiful." Brenda: "Not California beautiful." And while I do think Shannen Doherty can at times be quite stunning, early season 1 is not one of those times. Jim comes home and Brenda tells him she's gotta change her hair but dads don't care about that shit. Cindy tells Jim that Brandon's studying upstairs with "Awwndrea" and they both make fun of her pretentious name.

Andrea snoops around Brandon's room while he uses the bathroom and scoffs to herself when she sees his swimsuit calendar. Guess he keeps the fetish stuff under the mattress. She darts back to her chair when he reenters and they get down to studying. Brandon tosses her a question and when she answers, mildly smug, he's all WRONG! No, she replies, I'm actually right, and why are you yelling at me? He just can't stand that she thinks she's so smart all the time! Oh, irony. Enter Jim, introductions all around. Jim tells Andrea that Brandon's an ace at history and she more or less laughs in his face. After Jim leaves, Brandon starts freaking out because there's too much to cover. Andrea: "Look, it's not that difficult Brandon." Brandon: "You act like I have a learning disability or something!" Andrea can't take much more of Brandon's sensitivity and constant demands for validation so she jets.

Sure enough Brandon, wearing a T-shirt with a giant whale or possibly a seal flopping around on it, gets another C on his history quiz and shoots dirty looks at Andrea, preening around with her A. After class he meets up with Steve, whose shirt is too weird and ugly to describe. Brandon's worried about his grades because of old task master Jim and his supposed academic prowess back in high school. Didn't we just go over this? Anyway, they agree to study together.

Steve lounges around in his pool while Brandon sits on the side, shirt mercifully on. Steve thinks it's pretty funny that Mr. and Mrs. Walsh are still married. Who else would have them? Brandon tries to study and Steve blows him off, offering some Laker tickets that he got for his birthday. Brandon aw shuckses about his poor people birthday presents of steak and shirts and Steve is like, try having your dad move out and then maybe you'll hit the big time like me. Steve's dad is also going to get him into USC and Brandon doesn't think it'll be a problem, what with all the A's. Steve glances at him conspiratorially, tells him he's a good guy, and tosses him a question: "Memorize it Brandon. Trust me, it's the exact kind of question that hemorrhoid likes to ask." And thus we are at the beginning of our slippery slope to utter corruption.

Because of course it's the first question, verbatim, on Danzel's quiz the next day. Brandon is pissed at Steve, but not pissed enough to abstain from rubbing the answer in Andrea's face. And definitely not pissed enough to turn down a copy of next week's quiz.

Brenda and Kelly both hate Brenda's hair. Brenda can't afford a fancy salon. Donna puts both contacts in the same eye because she is dumb.

Pit. Brandon doesn't want to wait on Denzel. Nat tells him to suck it up and deal. Danzel smiles at him and tells him he did well on the quiz and Brandon practically spooges all over him.

In class, Danzel tells his students that they should be encouraged by Brandon's turn around, and that he was the only one to get a perfect score. And then the class applauds, in a wholly non-sarcastic manner. In the parlance of their times: as if. Andrea is good-humored and self-deprecating about her C. So, when do they turn her into the humorless troll I remember? Because so far I'm finding her surprisingly tolerable. She thinks they should give their study session another try but he turns her down. Meanwhile, Dylan flirts with Kelly and now Brenda is threatened.

Walsh Kitchen. Brenda: "Change your hair, you can change your life!" Totally. I've had kinky, curly hair since puberty and only this year did I figure out how to straighten it on my own. And now my life is... exactly the same. Still, if I had learned how to do it 12 years ago, I think junior high might have been a bit more enjoyable. Cindy feels that $300 for a haircut is a little steep. Actually, Brenda was thinking more along the lines of a weave. No, Brenda, no! Cindy's like, don't your dare: "Honey, the people that do those things to themselves just want to look the way you already do!" This plot line reminds me of the time my mom told me I was beautiful on the inside. Of course I took it that I must be ugly on the outside and even my brother was like not cool, Ma. So I told my friend Robyn and she comforted me thus: "Aw, Lib, that's not true. You're not beautiful on the inside." Which, to date, is my favorite thing she's ever said. Anyway, Brenda has to stay boring. Brandon comes in and announces his A. Everyone's real proud, especially ol' Jim. Brandon rounds the corner while Jim tells Cindy their boy will make the honor roll, even if Jim has to take the tests for him. So he's okay with the cheating then? Brandon is pensive. Seriously, this is the same fucking episode as the last one. It's like Rio Bravo and El Dorado where basketball is Dean Martin and American history is Robert Mitchum. And fucking Brandon and Jim are The Duke. I knew there was a good reason I never really liked John Wayne.

Brandon's in his room hitting the books and Brenda comes in trying to get a little info about Dylan and bemoaning her fate as a brunette. Brandon kicks her out.

At the Pit, Brandon picks up his check and runs into a polite and personable Denzel, who he rudely attempts to blow off on his way out the door. Danzel says he understands how hard he must of have worked to turn his grade around, which of course touches a nerve and flips on Brandon's crusading asshole switch: "When I was making C's in your class you didn't have the time of day for me but now that I'm making A's you're very friendly, why is that?" Danzel's like, er, I have 5 classes a day and I don't have time for every moron in need of an ego-fellating? Brandon's not done: "Anyone can learn a bunch of facts [except you, apparently] but that doesn't mean they're learning anything!" Danzel rightly points out that you can't intelligently examine subjects about which you know no facts. Brandon can't get over the "unfair" curve that has labeled him "average". Surely not! His parting shot: "I can't stand here and listen to you pat yourself on the back. The way you teach and give grades is unfair! It alienates everybody and makes... it just doesn't work!" Guess he isn't doing so well in his oratory class either. And have fun in college when yourvprofessor doesn't even know your name and you're just some anonymous... aw damn it. We all know Brandon becomes the most famous person at "CU" ever. Foiled again! Anyway, Danzel looks like he might actually be mulling this over. Please, for the love of God, don't go changing just to please him.

Ugh. This episode is physically painful for me to get through because I hate Brandon so much in it. I mean, I hate Brandon always but this is beyond the pale. So, there's another quiz. Brandon looks around. Danzel wants to know if there's a problem. No problem whatsoever. He pulls out the quiz copy from under his desk and Andrea sees. He sees her see. The bell rings and Brandon rushes after her and she's all, I thought you were different! And by the way, fuck off! Brandon thinks real hard.

Another Walsh family BBQ, this time with Kelly. She congratulates him on his A and he acts all put out because the weight of the world's expectations lays so heavy on his mortal shoulders. In the kitchen, Cindy warns Jim not to pressure Brandon about his grades because Brandon is on his period and could cry at the drop of a hat. Jim's like, sure thing, even though I wasn't and I'm actually being sort of inoffensive this week.

That same night Kelly dyes Brenda's hair. Slasher music plays as dawn breaks... Brenda's hair has been replaced by a blond streaked frizz ball wig. Accident or sabotage? We'll never know. I haven't yet figured out how the dye completely changed the hair texture and the length but regardless, it looks terrible. Brandon comes in and makes fun of her. Truth be told, she's taking this a lot better than I would have. Downstairs the rest of the family gathers for breakfast and are like blah pressure blah grades blah until Brenda comes down and there is collective silence and horrified staring. Seriously, they don't even attempt to tell her she doesn't look like Kentucky Fried Ass. White lies are unacceptable in the Walsh house.

Brandon stares down Danzel in the quad and is joined by Dylan, who informs him that Danzel plans to retire after the school year. Dylan learned a lot from his class but Brandon says all he's learning is how to cheat. Dylan wrinkles his leathery brow and warns him, with a lingering hand to the shoulder, about flirting with "bad karma". Brandon doesn't quite comprehend since he's a solid Midwestern Presbyterian and not some left coast Buddhist fairy like his friend Earrings McGee here. Dylan departs just as Steve enters the quad and Brandon runs away like a wee little girl.

Brenda and her big floppy sunhat endure Kelly's barely concealed glee at the sorry state of her hair.

Steve catches up with Brandon and offers him a copy of the upcoming midterm. Brandon has doubts. He turns around and sees Andrea, just waiting for him to come up and badger her. Andrea insists they have nothing to talk about. His response? "GOD you are so JUDGEMENTAL!" Dear Lord, the things that come out of this boy's mouth! He then tries to deflect the blame onto Danzel but she ain't buying it. Brandon scowls in confusion.

In class, Danzel would like to know the reasons behind the dramatic decline of the native American population in California. Actually, he says "Indian" which I guess was still okay to say on a politically correct show like this in 1990. Beats dirt-worshipping heathen anyway. Brandon says "the white man" killed them off. "The White Man?" Just say "whites", okay? I don't know why you have to suddenly change your vocabulary when talking about this particular population. It just sounds condescending and Brandon certainly doesn't need any more help with that. Danzel is unimpressed with his stock answer and it falls to Andrea to further explain about the "so-called reservations". Yes, they are called reservations. So just call them reservations. At any rate, her anger when spitting out this phrase seems directed more at Brandon than at the US government's racist policies. Which, fair enough. Such is the epic scope of his unpleasantness. Danzel thanks her and suggests that Brandon might want to dig deeper instead of just memorizing facts. Schooled!

Brenda comes home and Cindy tries again to stop her from being a vain little bitch. Cindy once felt ugly too thanks to The Beach Boys but then she married Jim and she realized that only a true beauty could land a hot piece of ass like him.

Steve comes into The Pit while Brandon's working and questions his commitment to their little scheme. Brandon assures him that he's no rat and Steve hands over the midterm copy just as Danzel walks in. Later, Brandon mopes his way out into the back lot and spies Danzel with a flat. Brandon can't resist getting a little smug that this elderly man can't change his own tire but Danzel continues his admirable trend of dismissing him as a minor annoyance. So of course Brandon changes his tire but before he can rub it in properly Danzel foils him with sob story about his dead wife and how he wears his ugly clothes in a tribute to her memory or something. Brandon somehow refrains from dropping some platitudes about grief and instead drops the folded up test copy. Danzel hands it back to him and offers him good luck.

Ah, the library. Where, as we learned in the last episode, Brandon does his best screeching. This time a studying Andrea is the victim. Brandon strides over to her table and demands to know if she's ever wanted to cheat on anything. Andrea scoffs "of course I have, who hasn't. But I didn't and you did." Brandon gets his war face on: "You know sometimes you act like you have a personal stake in everything I do like we're a couple or something." Mean, and kind of true in other scenarios, but in this one you're basically just fucking with her grades so I award you no points. And now the real gem: "You see everything as black and white, right or wrong! But what I did in Danzel's class was not a black and white issue! It was a gray area!" Because he only sort of cheated? You lost me, bub. Not satisfied with the level at which he is making no sense, he closes with "You probably don't believe it but I feel plenty guilty already. What I was hoping for from you was maybe a little understanding, maybe a little support. Thanks Andrea. Thanks for nothing." Because she insists on disappointing me, Andrea chooses to look shamefaced at his mind-bending twists of petulant logic, which deflect blame toward the insufficient moral code of a girl he accuses of caring too much and then too little about his useless, arrogant ass. Oh, and nobody tells either of them to shut the fuck up. In a library. Again.

Determined to prove her mom wrong about that whole not-ugly thing, Brenda exits the house in a dark blue floral sports bra and high-wasted nylon shorts that certainly don't do her figure any favors. It's like she's actively trying to have love handles. Cindy, puttering around the garden again, sees her with a hat in her hand and tells her she doesn't need it. Not for the first time, I vehemently disagree. Off she goes, stomping down the street like a Clydesdale. It's enough to turn Dylan's head. Doing a U-Turn on his hog he stops next to her, whipping off his helmet and providing us with the credits shot we know and love so well. After eying her for a bit he offers to take her to a friend of his that does hair and owes him a favor. For what, we can only speculate. My guess is blow, although I'm undecided if I mean the drug or the physical act. Then he tells her to hop on his butt. I'm not even kidding about that last part.

Casa Walsh. Brandon shuffles in, weary from all that ducking of responsibility. And studying. Jim offers him an A for effort, triggering another unwarranted tirade from his son. Holy Jesus, I know I'm repeating myself but it's the exact same fucking episode as the one before it, right down to the post library sneer-fest parental pressure pity-party! It's like they couldn't fit in all the sucking they planned for him last time so they had to redo it. With extra suck. Brandon can't take the pressure that his parents are not putting on him! Jim tells him to lighten up.

Upstairs, Brenda's hair is back to normal thanks to that dreamy geezer Dylan.

Andrea and Brandon meet in the hallway before the midterm. They make nice and Brandon says he's not gonna cheat because it would harm her grades. Aw. I seriously can't believe they never hooked these guys up. I have to believe the producers eventually decided there was too great a disparity in their physical attractiveness (or perceived attractiveness, because ew, Brandon) because all signs point to them eventually dating. The fact that they didn't flies in the face of teen drama convention and well, this is 90210 for Christ's sake. It gave teen drama convention it's good name.

Time for the test. Some slut with a puffed-sleeve denim belly shirt sits up front, oh hi Donna! Danzel surprises everyone with an essay question. Steve is screwed. Afterwards Brandon lets Danzel know that he liked the question and in a round about way lets him know he wasn't going to cheat. Danzel gives him a small smile of approval. In the sanctity of my mind, I imagine that this is followed by him reaching into the desk drawer for his special red pen and marking that paper with the oversized F- it so richly deserves. We all have dreams.

Next time: cocaine's a hell of a drug!