"First day of school, strange city, new house, no friends. I’m psyched."

Ho-LA and welcome. It's been seven years and three months since the final episode of this American classic graced the airwaves. Since that time several other teen soaps have come and gone, careers have stagnated in pools of reality programming, and beloved producers have crossed over into the great beyond. But for many of us, or at least two, these sad realities do not diminish our passion for this great drama. And thanks to SoapNet, DVR, DVD, and the Internet we can now waste our precious, precious time reliving the joy, the pain, the rage, and the embarrassment induced by the 296 episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210.

We begin with the pilot. Well, sort of. Honestly, anything we could say about this two part episode has already been said much better here. Read it, it's great stuff. But just to sum up, the Walshes are down to earth. Everyone else is rich and dysfunctional. Brenda just wants to fit in and almost sleeps with a skeezy lawyer. Brandon just wants to do the right thing and doesn't sleep with the easiest girl in school. Andrea takes herself very seriously and lives out of district. Kelly got a nose job and is "the biggest bitch at West Beverly High" not to mention "lousy in bed" according to her ex, Steve, whose car is wrecked by David, who in turn is waiting for his balls to drop. And that about covers it. Nothing particularly awesome or infuriating happens. There's no Dylan, no grand Brandon Walsh moral crusade, and poor little rich girl is like the alternate title of this show, so you're not missing much if you don't remember Marianne Moore.

And thus, though the beginning is indeed a very good place to start, the real work begins next episode during which, if memory serves, we shall be treated to a display of Brandon's lifesaving and writing skills. Joy.

"Pilot" Special Guest Stars:

Josh Mostel (Science Teacher) - Principal Max "The Revolting Blob" Anderson of Billy Madison fame.

Leslie Bega (Marianne Moore) - Her sexual permissiveness apparently does not extend to cheese-graters and certain body parts of be-wigged Mafia captains. Last seen burning Tony Soprano's eggs.

Maxwell Caulfied (Skeezy Lawyer) - Cute in Grease 2, then became kind of ridiculous looking. Oh Rexy, not so much with the sexy.

Djimon Hounsou (Nightclub Doorman) - This two-time Oscar nominee has about as many lines.